


Slaves of Duty

by maiden_aunt (SCFrankles)



Category: Dear Ladies
Genre: Gen, Humor, Mild Innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCFrankles/pseuds/maiden_aunt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All is not well at Utopia Limited. The septic tank has sprung a leak, and Hilda and Evadne must come up with the cash to bail themselves out…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!

**Author's Note:**

> Hinge and Bracket were created by Patrick Fyffe and George Logan. Dear Ladies was written by Fyffe and Logan, and Gyles Brandreth, and produced by the BBC. Mr. ‘Mousey’ Butler is a character from The Random Jottings of Hinge and Bracket, which was written by Gerald Frow and produced by the BBC.
> 
> The names of the chapters are quotations from The Pirates of Penzance: libretto by W.S. Gilbert and music by Arthur Sullivan. Within the story there are further lyrics quoted from Pirates and also from The Gondoliers. Lyrics are also quoted from Life Upon the Wicked Stage, which comes from Show Boat: lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II and music by Jerome Kern.
> 
> Thank you to my sister for giving me so many ideas for the story, and for the beta when it was completed. All remaining mistakes are mine.

Hilda staggered into the hall, laden with plastic bags.

“Evadne, I’m home!”

She lowered all her purchases to the floor, hung up her coat and went into the living room.

“Evadne?”

Hilda carried on into the kitchen.

Evadne looked up from where she was standing at the kitchen table, busily arranging flowers.

“Hello, Hilda. I assume you had a nice time in town?”

Hilda came over to admire the flowers. “How lovely!” She leant over and inhaled deeply. “Gorgeous scents. We’ve had such wonderful blooms in the garden this year.”

She looked up again to see Evadne looking expectantly at her.

“Yes, I had a splendid time, thank you, dear.” Hilda smiled and went to fill the kettle. “Went round _all_ the shops.”

“And I suppose you spent a great deal of money,” said Evadne, fussing with the flowers.

Hilda plugged the kettle back in and turned to look at Evadne. She raised her eyebrows. “I enjoyed myself and bought some new clothes. That is rather the idea of going shopping.”

Evadne raised a careless hand. “I just think you ought to be a bit more careful with your cash, that’s all...”

Hilda looked puzzled. “Evadne, I’m not quite sure why you feel the sudden need to be giving me financial advice. It’s not as though I’ve spent a fortune today.”

Evadne shrugged a little. “Well, yes… But we do have mutual responsibilities, you know.”

“Evadne, dear…” said Hilda. “Just what are you getting at?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” Evadne went back to rearranging her flowers.

Hilda frowned as she watched her, but then the kettle came to the boil and she went to make the tea.

“So where are you going to put those flowers?” asked Hilda over her shoulder. “It really is a beautiful arrangement.” She put the lid back on the teapot. “In here? In the living room? In the hall maybe?”

Evadne glanced up briefly and looked away again. “I thought I might… put them in the garden, actually.”

Hilda turned and stared at her. “In the garden..?”

“Yes, that’s right.” Evadne was resolutely not making eye-contact.

Hilda furrowed her brow. “Let me get this straight. You’ve gone out into the garden, picked some flowers, arranged them in a vase and now you’re taking them back out to decorate the garden?”

“Well, yes.” Evadne looked up and smiled weakly.

Hilda held up her hands, and shrugged. “To be fair, dear, it’s not the strangest thing you’ve ever done.”

Evadne sighed. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll just take them out then.”

She picked up the vase and moved swiftly towards the kitchen door.

When she reached it, she cast one cautious look back at Hilda. Hilda gave her a worried look in return, and Evadne bowed her head and exited into the garden.

“Very strange…” Hilda wandered over and peered out of the window, watching Evadne as she hurried off.

Hilda shook her head and went to sort out the teatray.

 

 

She’d carried the tray through to the living room, drunk one cup of tea and was pouring herself a second when Evadne returned.

“Ah, lovely,” said Evadne, attempting a smile. “Pour one for me too, would you?”

She settled herself on the settee next to Hilda.

Hilda looked at her.

“Evadne. What on earth are you up to? You’ve been outside for ages.”

“Nothing, dear. Nothing at all. Ooh, petit beurre biscuits…”

Evadne leant forwards to pick one up but Hilda got there first. She grabbed the plate of biscuits and held it out of Evadne’s reach.

Evadne glared at her but Hilda’s expression remained steady.

“Evadne Mona Montpellier Hinge. If you don’t tell me this _instant_ what’s going on…”

Evadne shifted uncomfortably. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

She grabbed for one of the biscuits but Hilda clutched the plate to her chest.

“Really, Hilda,” said Evadne. “You’re being childish.”

“You can have one of the biscuits,” said Hilda calmly, “just as soon as you tell me what’s going on.”

Evadne’s shoulders slumped. “Well, if you really must know, I was...” She looked away and fiddled with a thread on the arm of the settee. “I was making an offering to the septic tank.”

Hilda lowered the plate. “Making an offering to..?”

“Yes.” Evadne took the opportunity to grab a biscuit.

“Evadne,” said Hilda, putting the plate on the coffee table, “I know this is an old house. But it does have indoor conveniences now, you know.”

“Oh, Hilda.” Evadne shifted awkwardly. “That isn’t what I mean.” She waved a hand vaguely. “I was... making an invocation.”

Hilda shook her head in bemusement. “An ‘invocation’.”

“Yes. To the Roman goddess Cloacina.” Evadne took a bite out of her biscuit. “Mm… Goddess of sewers and drains.” She finished her mouthful and swallowed. “And… the intimate side of marriage… things.”

“The goddess of plumbing in general then,” said Hilda.

“For goodness’ sake, Hilda.” Evadne was blushing ever so slightly.

“Sorry, dear.” Hilda frowned. “But why were you offering flowers to a Roman goddess? That’s seems a little outlandish even for you.”

“It does all seem rather ridiculous now.” Evadne leant back against the sofa. “But I’ve reached the end of my tether. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

Hilda furrowed her brow. “I think you’d better tell me all about it from the beginning. I seem to have lost track of things a little.”

“Well…” Evadne hesitated. “There’s a problem with the septic tank.”

Hilda’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, no! It’s not the pump again, is it? I thought you’d sorted that out.”

“No, the replacement submersible pump is working fine. I’m completely satisfied there,” said Evadne.

Hilda inclined her head. “I did say all you needed was some good suction.”

“Yes, it’s nothing to do with the pump. It’s… Well… The thing is…” Evadne paused. “Over the past weeks I’ve noticed there’s been less water than usual. I mean, the water that’s filtered out of the… “

Evadne gestured vaguely and Hilda looked apprehensive.

“...main tank,” Evadne concluded.

Hilda relaxed somewhat.

“You know,” said Evadne, “the water that goes into the holding tank, which I then have to pump out into the filter bed.”

Hilda frowned. “But isn’t that good, dear? You’re always complaining about having to pump out the thing.”

“It’s not a good thing if it’s leaking out, and waterlogging and contaminating the ground.” Evadne’s shoulders slumped. “I’ve been hoping against hope that it’s just my imagination or it would sort itself out. It’s going to be so expensive to fix and…”

Evadne made a sound that suspiciously resembled a sob.

Hilda rolled her eyes.

“Evadne, dear—Is that all you’re worried about? Come on now—we’ve both seen worse than this.”

She patted Evadne’s hand.

“Call a few companies, get a few quotes and we’ll worry about it from there. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you think. And you know you love having a project to get your teeth into.”

Evadne looked up and attempted a smile.

“Do you... really think it will be all right?”

Hilda gave her a reassuring smile.

“Of course, I do, dear.”

 

 

They reconvened a week later on the settee.

“Right,” said Hilda, pouring out the tea. “Fill me in with what’s been happening.”

“Well,” said Evadne, patting the folder on her knee. “I researched all the suitable companies within a twenty mile radius, endeavouring to uncover their testimonials.”

“Excellent, excellent…” Hilda poured in the milk.

“And then I compiled a shortlist of five and asked them all to come out and give us a quotation.”

“Lovely.” Hilda added a few lumps of sugar to her own cup and stirred thoroughly.

Evadne hesitated. “I must just warn you that they all recommended having a proper underground soakaway put in. So it’s going to be somewhat more expensive than simply having the tank replaced.”

“I understand completely, dear.” Hilda handed a cup of tea to Evadne and picked up her own. “All right then. Let’s see the worst.”

Evadne nodded.

“Here’s the most expensive quote. From Hayman’s.”

She cautiously handed over a sheet of paper.

Hilda put down her cup and took the paper with a reassuring smile.

She looked down at the sheet.

Her smile became rather fixed.

Hilda handed the paper back to Evadne, picked up her cup and drained the tea in two gulps.

She put the cup down again. “Well, at least the worst is past. Let’s see the cheapest.”

Evadne smiled weakly and held out another piece of paper. “Here you are, dear. From Spencer’s.”

Hilda took the paper and studied it for a moment. She elevated one eyebrow ever so slightly and then calmly handed the paper back to Evadne.

She got up and started walking in the direction of the kitchen.

“Going to put the kettle on again?” asked Evadne.

Hilda paused at the living room sideboard.

“No, dear. I’m getting the sherry.”

Evadne smiled weakly. “I know it’s quite a lot of money.”

“Is it?”

Hilda poured herself a glass of the amontillado, picked it up and downed it in one go.

“But we won’t have to worrying about pumping out the tank any more,” said Evadne. “It’ll mean a great deal less stress—all we’ll have to do is get the septic tank emptied once a year.”

Hilda returned to the settee and sat down.

“That’s all very well. But what on earth are we going to do about paying for it?”

She stared at the quote in Evadne’s hands.

“Our savings won’t cover it all.”

“No.” Evadne gave a little shrug and returned the quote to the folder, placing the folder on the coffee table. “But it has to be done. So—we need to find ways to raise some extra cash.”

She got up and retrieved a second folder from her desk, and then came and sat down again.

“I was having a think last night—I could set up my own little business.”

Hilda frowned. “Is that wise?” She winced slightly. “Well, you know what you’re like with accounts.”

Evadne sighed. “I would only be working on a small scale, Hilda. I’m sure I could cope.”

“Well…” Hilda still looked doubtful. “What sort of thing are you thinking of..?”

“My homemade wine!”

Evadne beamed.

“I thought we could have wine tasting parties here for our friends and neighbours, and take orders. And then if that takes off, we could sell wine through mail order.”

“Well,” said Hilda. She attempted a smile. “I suppose it’s worth a try...”

 

 

“Right,” said Evadne to herself. “I think everything’s ready.”

The kitchen table had been moved to the back of the living room, and on it were a collection of open wine bottles and several glasses.

Hilda came through from the kitchen carrying the last lot of glasses. “I must say I’m quite excited now. This could be the beginning of something big.”

Evadne smiled. “I have to say I’m feeling rather hopeful myself.” She waved at the wines. “Our new septic tank is right in front of us. We just have to be brave enough to jump in with both feet.”

“Yes…” said Hilda.

The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” said Hilda. “You get your clipboard ready to take all those orders!”

Evadne waved her hands in excitement and went to find it.

Hilda rolled her eyes and went to answer the front door.

“Joan! So glad you could come!”

Joan Shanks smiled tightly and stepped over the threshold.

“Wouldn’t have missed it, Hilda. We all need to support village businesses.”

“Well, I hope you find something that tickles your palate!” said Hilda. “Very good year for fruit, of course...”

She directed Mrs. Shanks towards the living room as the doorbell rang again.

“Good evening, Mr. Butler! Do come in!”

Mr. Butler smiled politely back at her.

“I’m so looking forward to tonight, Dame Hilda. I don’t usually drink but I always make an exception when in the Doctor’s company.”

“And so many of us feel that way,” said Hilda, nodding firmly. “Do please go through.”

The vicar and his wife were close behind Mr. Butler.

“Donald! Cressida!” Hilda smiled at them. “How wonderful that you were both able to come!”

“Thank you so much.” Cressida returned the smile. “You know, Hilda, I’m quite intrigued. I don’t think I’ve ever tried Evadne’s wines before.”

She turned to her husband.

“I haven’t, have I, dear?”

The vicar possibly winced slightly. “I think you would have remembered if you had.”

Cressida turned back to Hilda. “Well! That’s quite a recommendation!”

The vicar smiled weakly at Hilda, and he and his wife went to join the others.

The rest of the guests arrived in quick succession after that: Miss Pullet the librarian, Mr. Dingle the fishmonger and Mr. Ptolman Junior from the butcher’s.

“Well, now we’re all here...” Evadne picked up the first bottle. “This one I have to say is something I’m rather proud of…”

She poured out a few samples, and everyone came forward to pick up a glass.

“Beautiful colour, Doctor!” said Miss Pullet, holding her glass up to admire it. “Such a deep, vibrant red.”

“Thank you,” beamed Evadne.

Mr. Ptolman nodded in agreement and took a sip.

“That is of course the influence of the beetroot,” said Evadne.

Mr. Ptolman choked slightly but recovered. “Unusual choice I have to say, Dr. Hinge.”

“But it makes for a distinctive taste,” said Hilda, holding her glass away from her body.

“Yes…” said Mr. Ptolman.

“Can I top you up, dear?” smiled Evadne.

“No!” Mr. Ptolman smiled apologetically. “I think this is enough… to give me an idea.”

“Excellent!” said Evadne. “Drink up everyone. We’re onto the cabbage wine next!”

As everyone cautiously began sipping at their beetroot wine samples, Evadne turned and smiled at the fishmonger.

“I think you’ll like the cabbage, Mr. Dingle. It goes very well with fish.”

“Yes, murmured Hilda. “Tastes like pond water.”

Evadne looked at her.

Hilda raised her glass and smiled innocently.

 

 

“Evadne,” said Hilda some time later. “Are there many more wines to come?”

Evadne checked her clipboard. “Just one or two.” She looked up. “Why?”

“It’s just…” Hilda furrowed her brow as she looked around the room. “Is it me or are people getting a bit squiffy..?”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, Hilda. It’s just a winetasting. As long as everyone keeps spitting the wine out into the bucket, they’ll be fine.”

“But,” said Hilda. “Where _is_ the bucket, dear?”

Evadne’s eyes widened. “Oh, my goodness.” Her hand went to her mouth. “It’s still in the kitchen. It’s been there all this time.”

“Yes… Well, I think perhaps we’d better call a halt to this evening,” said Hilda, as she watched Joan Shanks leaning forwards towards Mr. Butler—her plaster cast resting flirtatiously on his shoulder. “You can try and take the orders tomorrow.”

Evadne smiled weakly. “That seems like a good idea. I’ll go and call Foxfield’s Taxis.” She gazed worriedly at their friends and neighbours as a conga spontaneously broke out. “You start trying to take their glasses away.”

 

 

“Any joy on the orders?” asked Hilda the following morning as she returned from the village with the grocery shopping.

Evadne looked up from her clipboard and sighed. “Not as such. I phoned everyone. I tried the vicarage first—Donald and Cressida have apparently decided to become teetotal.”

“Gracious,” said Hilda, sitting down next to Evadne on the settee.

Evadne consulted her notes. “Miss Pullet simply shushed me and put the phone down.”

Hilda nodded sadly.

“And Mr. Butler swears he has no recollection of the evening at all,” said Evadne setting the clipboard down.

“That I can believe,” said Hilda. “The poor man was determined to try everything. Kind of him really.” Hilda looked inquiringly at Evadne. “But no orders from anyone?”

“No.” Evadne smiled weakly. “And I had to pay for all the taxis. So we’re now down £11.50.” She looked at Hilda. “I think this might be a dead end. But I have had another thought.”

“Oh, yes..?” said Hilda.

Evadne smiled awkwardly. “You may not like it but… well, paying guests.”

She held up a hand as Hilda started to speak.

“I know we’ve discussed this before. But I was thinking—we could get in touch with Mabel.”

Hilda furrowed her brow. “Mabel Rivington, you mean?”

“Yes, of course. She’s said herself she knows everyone in our business. We could see if she could give us a lead on someone suitable. Someone who would be _simpatico.”_ She looked at Hilda over the top of her glasses. “Someone you could chat about the ‘old days’ with.”

“Oh, yes…” Hilda looked to the side and gazed off into the distance. “Yes, a respectable, mature woman.” She sat up straight. “Someone… musical, classically trained. Responsible and reliable.”

Evadne sighed. “We’re not auditioning someone, dear. We just need someone to pay the rent.”

“Well, yes,” said Hilda coming back to earth. “But like you say, we need the right person.”

“Hilda,” said Evadne smiling smugly. “I think we can rely on Mabel to find someone to match us. I shall telephone her immediately.”

 

 

A few days later the phone rang and Hilda went to answer it.

“Oh, Mabel! Hello, dear!”

She covered the receiver and turned to smile at Evadne.

“It’s Mabel.”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “I did rather gather that. But what does she say? Has she got any news on the tenant front?”

Hilda removed her hand from the receiver.

“Evadne wants to know if you’ve got anyone for us yet? Oh, you have?” Hilda moved the receiver to her other ear, picked up a pen and began to make notes. “Yes..? Yes..? Oh, I see. Yes…” She put the pen down. “Thank you so much, Mabel. We’ll discuss it and I’ll let you know. Yes. Bye, dear.”

She put the phone down and came over to sit with Evadne.

“So..?” said Evadne excitedly. “Has she found someone?”

“Well, yes...” said Hilda.

“A woman?” asked Evadne.

“Two men,” said Hilda.

“Oh.” Evadne’s face fell slightly. “Mature gentlemen?”

Hilda smiled weakly. “In their twenties.”

Evadne frowned.

“But they are in the business,” said Hilda. “One’s a multi-instrumentalist; the other’s a singer. Mabel says she met them through attending their shows. Apparently they’re very talented.”

Evadne looked more hopeful. “Are they classically trained?”

Hilda sighed. “No.”

Evadne leant back in her chair. “What is Mabel thinking? They aren’t suitable at all.”

“I must admit I am rather disappointed myself,” said Hilda.

Evadne sighed. “But I suppose beggars can’t be choosers. We’re miles from London—or even Bury St. Edmunds. Stackton is a lovely little place but it can be rather quiet.” Evadne raised an eyebrow. “But then—why do two people in their twenties want to come here?”

Hilda held up her hands. “Mabel says they want to work on their act. They want peace and quiet and no distractions—and they want to stay here for at least three months.”

Evadne looked thoughtful. “Well, I suppose it _might_ be all right.”

“Mabel did sound very positive about them,” said Hilda. “And I think we can trust her judgment.”

“So we take them?” said Evadne.

Hilda nodded. “Let’s take them!”

 

 

The next few days were a whirl of getting the rooms ready: two bedrooms, the guest bathroom and a little sitting room.

“There!” said Evadne, as she put the finishing touch of fresh soap in the bathroom. “They’ll have their own little corner of the house. We’ll have to sort out a rota for using the kitchen but otherwise we won’t even know they’re there.”

She and Hilda started making their way down the stairs.

“Even when they’re practising,” said Evadne, “I doubt we’ll be able to hear them over on that side of the house.”

Hilda smiled. “Yes, think it’s all going to work out very well, dear. One of my best ideas, I thought.”

She continued on down the stairs.

Evadne rolled her eyes and followed her.

As Hilda reached one of the staircase windows, she peered out through it.

“Is that their car coming up the drive, do you think?”

Evadne stopped and looked too. “I rather think it is. Perfect timing!”

They hurried down the rest of the stairs and stepped outside to greet their new tenants just as the car drew up.

“Hello!” beamed Hilda, giving a wave.

Two young men got out of the car—the passenger tall and dark-haired, the driver shorter and blond.

“Hello!” said the blond man. “So pleased to meet you! I’m Solomon Smith.”

“Doctor Evadne Hinge,” smiled Evadne, holding out a hand.

Solomon Smith shook it and turned to Hilda.

“I’m Dame Hilda Bracket,” simpered Hilda, graciously offering her hand. “But please do call me, Hilda.”

“Thank you. And I’m just Solomon, of course.” Solomon turned to the other man, who came forward a little shyly. “This is Gilbert Fairbairn.”

Hilda stared at him and looked him up and down. “Good heavens—I would never have thought it! My brother’s one too!”

“I’m sorry..?” Gilbert looked somewhat concerned.

Hilda giggled. “A Gilbert, dear.”

“Oh, I see.” Gilbert smiled a little. “I’ve always found it to be rather an unusual name—Gilbert.”

“You rarely come across a Gilbert, that’s true…” mused Hilda. “And your name is unusual too, Sullivan.”

 _“Solomon,”_ said Solomon.

“Oh, yes—sorry, dear!” giggled Hilda. She pulled herself together. “You two made me think of fairies, you see.”

Solomon raised an eyebrow. “I don’t quite…”

“Iolanthe,” interrupted Evadne, leaning forward with a smile.

Solomon laughed. “Ah, yes. Of course.”

“Do come in,” said Evadne, indicating the front door. “We have a pot of tea ready and I’m sure you’d like a cup before we show you your rooms.”

“Oh yes—that would be lovely,” said Solomon.

He turned to Gilbert.

“I suppose we can get our bags out later.”

Gilbert nodded and he and Solomon followed Hilda and Evadne into the house and on into the living room.

“Oh, how lovely,” said Solomon, looking around. “If our rooms are half as nice as this, we’ll be thrilled.”

“And the countryside round here is so beautiful too,” said Gilbert.

“Thank you,” smiled Hilda.

She gestured to the settee, and the two men sat down next to Evadne, with Hilda settling in her usual armchair.

“I must say though I’m a little surprised you wanted to come and stay all the way out here—young men like you,” said Evadne.

“Well, I think Mabel may have told you—we’re a double act,” said Gilbert. “But…” He shrugged.

“We seem to have hit a brick wall,” said Solomon. “We need to find a new gimmick, new material. Nothing’s ever completely original, of course but we need to come up with a twist. Something unusual.”

“So you want to get away from it all and think,” said Evadne beginning to pour out the tea.

“Exactly,” said Solomon. “Do some writing. Experiment.” He smiled. “But we mustn’t bore you going on about what we’re up to. Miss Rivington mentioned that you are professional musicians too?”

“Yes, indeed,” smiled Hilda. “Well, our heyday was just a _little_ before your time I suppose. We used to be with the Rosa Charles Opera Company.”

“Yes!” Gilbert was suddenly filled with enthusiasm. “Rosa Charles! I remember now! My grandmother said she saw your Gondoliers!”

Hilda gave him a very hard look.

“Well, I don’t suppose you’ll be terribly interested in that. It’s not music for the younger generation.”

“No, honestly—it’s fascinating,” said Solomon. “Please go on.”

“Well…”

Hilda giggled girlishly and Evadne rolled her eyes.

But that didn’t dissuade Hilda from starting on the first of her reminiscences about their days with Rosa Charles.

 

 

At half past ten the following morning Hilda and Evadne embarked on their regular rehearsal.

Evadne settled herself at the piano. “So what do you feel like, dear?”

Hilda leant backwards and rested a hand on the instrument. She smiled. “After all that talk about The Gondoliers yesterday, I think I’d like to do something from that.”

Evadne nodded. _“Regular Royal Queen?”_

“Oh, yes—I think so.”

Hilda straightened up as Evadne played her in and she launched into the opening lyrics.

_“Then one of us will be a Queen,  
And sit on a golden throne…”_

Hilda sang on to the end of the verse, where she and Evadne joined forces for the chorus—

_“Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,  
To be a regular Royal Queen..!”_

—coming to a vigorous conclusion:

 _“...a right-down regular,_  
Regular, regular,  
Regular Royal Queen!”

Evadne was about to go into the next verse when she became aware they had an audience.

“Oh!”

She stopped playing and took her hands off the keyboard.

Hilda turned in surprise to see Solomon in the doorway, Gilbert a little way behind him.

“Oh, good morning, Sullivan,” said Hilda.

“Er, it’s Solomon. But good morning!” Solomon smiled in some embarrassment. “I hope you don’t think we were deliberately intruding. We just wanted to ask about the window in our bathroom, and then you were singing and we didn’t want to interrupt and…”

“Please don’t apologise, Solomon,” smiled Evadne. She rose from the piano. “Won’t you both come in for a moment?”

The two men entered and Gilbert cast an admiring glance at the piano. “That’s an Bösendorfer, isn’t it? Gorgeous sound.”

“Yes, indeed.” Evadne beamed. “I take it piano is one of the instruments you play?”

“Oh, yes.” Gilbert gestured shyly at the piano. “Would you mind if I just..?”

“Please do,” smiled Evadne.

Gilbert sat down and played a little of _Regular Royal Queen._ He finished and looked up at Evadne.

“I know it’s cheeky of me to ask but I do miss having an actual piano to practise on…” He gestured at the keyboard. “Could I from time to time..?”

“Of course!” said Evadne. “I would be more than happy to let you use it. Just ask first.”

“Naturally.” Gilbert beamed at Evadne, and then down at the piano.

 

 

Evadne went to sort out the jammed bathroom window, and then came downstairs again.

“Well, they seem _lovely,”_ said Hilda, as Evadne re-entered the room. “Mabel has really done us proud.” She beamed. “It’s nice to think we’ve got the money situation sorted out.”

Evadne furrowed her brow. “We’re off to a very good start, Hilda. But the rent won’t be enough—not if they’re here for only three months. And we don’t want to take too long replacing the septic tank.”

She came and sat down on the sofa next to Hilda.

“So what do you suggest?” said Hilda.

“Well…” said Evadne. “I think perhaps we’ve been missing the obvious.”

Hilda frowned. “What do you mean, dear?”

“Why don’t we look into getting paid for our musical skills?” said Evadne. “I mean, we are professionals.”

Hilda held up a finger. “Now that is a good idea. And I think I just might have seen something in The Bugle…”

She went and got the local paper from off the piano and came and sat down again. Popping her her reading glasses on, she flicked through and then looked up triumphantly at Evadne.

“Look, dear!” She pointed at the advert. “I was right! There’s an advert about auditions being held for a band.”

“That sounds hopeful,” said Evadne. “What kind of band?”

Hilda furrowed her brow and stared at the page. “I’m not sure exactly. It just says ‘New Romantics’.”

She looked up.

“But that does sound like our kind of thing, dear.”

She considered Evadne.

“Well, my sort of thing anyway.”

Evadne gave Hilda a very hard look. “Thank you, dear.” She pointed to the paper. “If I might have a look..?”

Hilda passed over The Bugle and Evadne examined the advert.

“Well, they are looking for a vocalist and someone proficient with a keyboard, so...”

Hilda looked coy. “I’m not sure though I’m happy about having to audition. Perhaps I could just tell them a little about my career..?”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “For heaven’s sake, Hilda. It’s just a little local group. We’ll informally show them what we can do, and then they’ll have to have us. There won’t be anyone else up to our standard.”

“So you’ll do it!” said Hilda.

“Yes, of course,” said Evadne.

“Right then,” said Hilda. “I’ll give them a ring.”

 

 

“Did you let Gilbert and Solomon know we were going out?” asked Evadne.

“Oh, yes,” said Hilda. She smiled. “I think they were quite relieved, to be honest. I got the impression they wanted to rehearse and were feeling a bit self-conscious.”

“Hmm?” said Evadne, looking through her handbag.

“Yes,” said Hilda. “Young Gilbert would hardly look me in the eye.”

“They’re going to have to get over any shyness if they want to have a successful career on the stage.” Evadne snapped her bag closed and looked up. “And speaking of that, I suppose we’d better get going.”

 

 

Evadne got out of the car and frowned. “Are you sure this is it?”

Hilda nodded. “Quite sure, dear.”

“But this is the youth club, isn’t it?” Evadne considered the building in front of them doubtfully. “Is this really the sort of place that would hold auditions for musicians?”

Hilda shrugged. “This is where I was told we should come.”

She started off towards the front entrance, Evadne following after.

“But what exactly did the chap say on the phone?” insisted Evadne.

Hilda came to a halt and hesitated. “Well, I must admit I think I must have spoken to his son…”

Evadne groaned. “Oh, Hilda!”

Hilda smiled weakly. “But he did seem to know all about it. He gave me the full details.”

Evadne sighed. “Well, we’re here now. We may as well have a try.”

Hilda looked about. “I was told to go the main room… Ah!”

She trotted off with Evadne following on behind. Hilda opened a door a little and looked in.

“Oh.”

She looked back at Evadne.

“This can’t be it. They’ve got musical instruments set up but it’s just three teenage boys.”

Evadne looked into the room over her shoulder. “What smart suits. It’s nice to see young people making an effort.” She looked at Hilda. “I suppose we can at least ask where we’re _meant_ to be.”

“Right.” Hilda headed inside, leaving Evadne in the doorway. “Excuse me…”

One of the boys looked over at her. “Are you looking for the group leader? She’s just—”

“No,” smiled Hilda. “My friend and I was just wondering if you could help us. We’re here for an audition and we think we might be in the wrong room.”

The boy grinned in return. “Yeah. I don’t think this will be your kind of thing.” He looked thoughtful. “But I don’t think there’s anyone else doing auditions here tonight. Perhaps you should—”

“Hang on.” A boy who had been fiddling with a microphone looked up and came over. “You’re not… Dame Hilda, are you?”

Hilda smiled. “Why, yes.”

“And you’ve got the Doctor with you?”

“Yes, indeed.” Hilda pointed at Evadne, who gave a puzzled wave. Hilda turned back to the boy. “And I suppose you must be Paul. Didn’t we speak on the phone?”

The boy’s eyes were wide. “Yeah… Sorry—I hadn’t realised you were so ol— Grown-up.”

Hilda’s eyebrows rose. “You don’t mean you wanted us to audition for _your_ group?”

“Well, yeah,” said Paul. “You said you had lots of experience and…”

“Hang on,” said the first boy. “You didn’t think to wonder about her being _Dame_ Hilda?”

Paul looked embarrassed. “I just thought it was cool. Like Boy George.”

Hilda frowned. “I don’t think I know him, dear. Did he work with Shirley Temple?”

Paul wasn’t paying attention. “I didn’t think she’d be a _real_ Dame, Ray.”

Evadne came further into the room. “Well, we’re sorry for interrupting your practice. Our apologies for the confusion and we’ll be getting on our way.” She turned to her friend. “Come along, Hilda.”

“Wait a minute,” said Ray. “Why don’t we just hear them?”

“Are you kidding?”

The third boy came over.

 _“Martin,”_ said Paul, looking greatly embarrassed.

“No, listen,” said Ray. “We’re all agreed that style is important. But it’s never as important as the music. Let’s hear what they can do.”

Hilda and Evadne looked at each other.

Evadne held up her hands. “Show me to your piano then.”

“We don’t have a piano…” Ray gestured over to a synthesiser. “It belongs to our friend Eddie. He’s decided to leave the group and go solo but he said we can borrow it for tonight.”

Evadne walked over and had a look.

Ray came with her. “So, have you never used one of these before? Look, you switch it on here, this changes the pitch and this—”

Evadne smiled as she interrupted him. “Dear, I have played the organ at St. Oswald’s on the Tressel for nearly 30 years now. I think I can manage one of these modern contraptions. Do you have the sheet music?”

Ray looked puzzled. “No, but…” He went over to a tape recorder and turned it on. A song began to play.

Evadne listened intently and after a while began to play along.

Ray’s eyes widened and he turned to speak to Paul. “She’s even better than Eddie.”

Evadne smiled modestly and began to embroider on the theme.

“Bloody hell,” said Paul. “She’s _brilliant.”_

Evadne finished the song and came to a stop. “Perhaps you should hear Hilda too.”

Hilda smiled weakly. “Do you have the lyrics?”

Paul handed over a handwritten piece of paper, and Hilda whipped out her reading glasses.

She studied the paper. “Yes… Well, it’s not Noel Coward but it shows promise. I think I can do something with it.”

She cleared her throat, and gestured to Evadne to begin.

Evadne started playing and Hilda joined in.

 _“I’ll meet you after school…”_ started Hilda, and Evadne raised an eyebrow.

_“I don’t care about being cool, if I have you…”_

Evadne tipped her head to one side, and thought about that.

_“Let’s go to the disco…”_

Evadne looked up, and she and Hilda caught each other’s eye. Hilda shrugged.

_“...and dance all night…”_

Evadne gave Hilda a considered look, shook her head and returned her attention to the keyboard.

_“...we’re just two kids in love!”_

Hilda got to the end, and held the final note for a breathtaking amount of time.

There was a brief moment of stunned silence and then the boys all applauded spontaneously.

“That was astounding!”

Paul turned to the others.

“I think we should let them join the group!”

Paul turned to Hilda and Evadne. “What do you think? Would you be interested in joining Society’s Love Section?”

Hilda furrowed her brow. “I’m not quite sure I understand what you—?”

“It’s our name,” said Ray. “For the group.”

“Oh!” Hilda smiled. “Well, I suppose it’s better than being a _cross_ section.”

The boys stared at her puzzled.

“Yes, doesn’t matter,” said Hilda.

Hilda and Evadne looked at each other and sighed.

“It’s very kind...” said Evadne. “But we’re really not suitable. This isn’t our kind of music.”

Hilda nodded. “You need someone excited about modern music.” She sighed sadly. “Someone a _little_ younger.”

Paul looked downcast.

“Are you sure? We’re not going to find anyone as good as you.”

“That’s very kind, dear but…” Hilda smiled at him. “I’m sure you will.”

 

 

“Well, that was a washout,” said Evadne, as they arrived home.

“It was sweet of them though to consider us. And at least we still have Gilbert and Solomon,” said Hilda. “I mean…” She paused. _“...Gilbert and Sullivan!”_

Evadne gave her a kind smile. “No, you were right the first time, dear.”

“No…” Hilda patted Evadne’s arm, while looking towards the living room door. “Listen, dear. There are two strange women singing _Regular royal queen_ in the living room.”

“And using my piano!” Evadne looked quite put out. “Surely Gilbert and Solomon wouldn’t be so thoughtless as to entertain visitors in our part of the house without asking our permission?”

“It appears they are,” said Hilda.

“Well, I’ll soon put a stop to that,” said Evadne.

She marched into the living room, Hilda close behind.

 _“...And noble lords will scrape and bow,_  
_And double themselves in two,_  
 _And open their eyes_  
 _In blank surprise—”_

The singing stopped abruptly as the small blonde lady in the silk dress turned to Hilda and Evadne. The tall, dark, slender lady at the piano halted her playing soon after.

“Gilbert!”

“Solomon!”

Hilda and Evadne stared at their shamefaced tenants.


	2. When stern Duty calls…

“I can only apologise again,” said Solomon.

“Yes. Thank you,” said Hilda tightly.

“I hope you will eventually forgive us,” said Gilbert.

“Perhaps,” said Hilda.

The two men nodded sadly and picking up their bags, made their way to their car.

Hilda closed the door.

“I think you were a little hard on them, dear,” said Evadne. “I don’t think they meant any harm.”

They made their way into the living room and sat down on the settee. 

“”I mean, using us as the basis of their new act was quite flattering in a way.”

“Evadne,” said Hilda, “I can just about cope as being held up as an object of ridicule, but what I cannot accept is men rummaging in my drawers without permission!”

“No…” Evadne looked down and straightened her skirt.

Hilda settled herself with dignity. “They went through every item of clothing I own. Everything was out of place.” She shuddered. “You know my claret two piece?” 

Evadne raised an eyebrow. “The crushed velvet?” 

“Yes,” said Hilda. “Well, they’ve crushed it.”

Evaden looked thoughtful. “It’s strange. They seem to have left most of my clothes alone.” 

Hilda raised an eyebrow. “Yes…” 

“So what now? do we look for new PGs?” asked Evadne.

“Definitely not!” said Hilda. She threw up her hands. “Never again! Anything rather than that!”

“Well, then… Perhaps you’ll consider this.” 

Evadne handed over the Bugle. “It has another interesting advert. Look—there. In the jobs section.”

Hilda rummaged for her reading glasses and put them on. She stared at where Evadne had been pointing.

_“New people wanted at Ahler’s. Must enjoy working closely with people. Must be flexible and adaptable. Many interesting positions.”_

Hilda looked up and stared at Evadne.

“Shopgirls! You cannot be seriously suggesting this? My mother would have been horrified.”

Evadne sighed. “You had that job in the shoe shop in Bury St. Edmunds.”

“I was only helping out for a week!” Hilda looked away. “And it was a very high class shoe shop. You only got the better sort of customer there.”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “Do pull yourself together, Hilda. Ahler’s is a high class establishment too, staffed by professional, intelligent people. And there’s a music department. Perhaps they could find space for us there.”

“Well…” said Hilda. Her shoulders slumped. “Do we really have to?”

Evadne shrugged. “It’s your choice, Hilda. But we do need money. We have to get that septic tank replaced as soon as possible.”

“I suppose so…” said Hilda.

“We could ask for part time hours. It wouldn’t interfere with our life too much.” Evadne smiled. “Come on—it won’t be that bad.”

Hilda nodded firmly. “Yes, you’re right, of course, dear. Needs must.”

“That’s the spirit!” beamed Evadne. “I’ll ring up and ask if they’ll see us.”

 

 

“So…” The interviewer consulted his notes. “Miss Bracket and Miss Hinge, is it?”

He looked up at the two ladies sitting on the opposite side of his desk.

“No, dear.” Hilda smiled at him. “It’s Dame Hilda.”

“And _Doctor_ Hinge,” said Evadne.

“Music not medicine,” added Hilda.

“Yes…” The man looked rather thrown. “Er, I have to ask—are you sure this is the sort of job you’re looking for? You do both seem somewhat overqualified.”

“Well, we’re desperate for the mon—”

Evadne caught Hilda’s eye and Hilda changed tack.

“We’re keen to work close to home, you see, dear.” 

“Right.” The interviewer shrugged. “Well, do you have any experience working as a team?”

“I have run a whole opera company,” said Evadne, smiling.

The interviewer nodded. “But then you were the boss. I mean, how would you feel about being under another woman?”

Evadne hesitated. “Well… I can’t say I’ve had much experience of that.”

The interviewer inclined his head. “Or what about being under a man?”

“Oh, she’s definitely had no experience there,” said Hilda.

Evadne glared at her. She turned back to the interviewer.

“Yes, I was the one in charge. But believe you me, in the middle of a group of creative people, I had to be the peacemaker and diplomat. And I was never afraid to muck in and get the necessary work done.”

“Well, I have to say I like your positive attitude. I find you very impressive.” The interviewer smiled. “I think I’d like you on the floor.”

“I… beg your pardon?” said Evadne.

The interviewer smiled hesitantly. “I’d like you to work on the shop floor. Assisting customers.”

“Oh, I see!” said Evadne. “Well, yes! I think I could do that.” She looked hopeful. “In the music department, perhaps?”

The interviewer considered his notes. “Unfortunately we don’t need anyone there at the moment.” He looked up. “Would you be open to trying something else? What else do you have experience in?”

“Well, there’s DIY,” said Evadne. “Being a single lady, I often have to do it myself.”

“I see,” said the interviewer. He smiled awkwardly. “Well, that’s certainly given me something to think about.”

He turned to Hilda.

“And what areas do you have experience in?”

“Well, I was the leading lady, of course,” said Hilda. She giggled coyly. “In the Rosa Charles Opera Company. Lots of experience facing the public there. And I have had a little experience in retail—Shoes di Napoli in Bury St. Edmunds…”

“For a whole week,” muttered Evadne.

“I’ve also had experience in the catering industry…”

“Doing wheels on meals,” said Evadne.

“And I helped to run the opera company for a while.”

“You fluttered around looking pretty letting me do most of the work.”

Hilda directed a look at Evadne and then smiled sweetly at the interviewer.

“So what about me? Would I be on the floor too?”

“Well, actually...” said the interviewer, looking thoughtful. “With your particular experience, I was wondering if you might consider something behind the scenes—not actually working with the customers.”

Hilda sat up straighter. “You mean…” She gestured gracefully. “Something a little higher up?”

The interviewer furrowed his brow a little. “You would be on one of the top floors, yes.”

“Good heavens!” Hilda beamed. “That would be lovely.”

“Excellent!” The interviewer made a few notes and looked up again. “So, we’ll be in touch then, ladies.”

He stood, and Evadne and Hilda followed his example. 

The interviewer shook hands with both of them, and showed them to the door.

 

 

“Well, I thought that went very well,” said Hilda, as they made their way to the lift.

“You would,” said Evadne, darkly. “You’re not the one who’s ended up as the shopgirl.”

“I’ve done my time on the floor…” Hilda pressed the button for the ground floor, and watched the display as the lift rose.

“Once again—for a _week!”_ said Evadne. 

The lift doors opened and they entered.

“I mean… I’m the one with the true managerial and administration experience.” Evadne punched the button to take them down.

“Now, now, dear.” Hilda smirked a little. “You mustn’t be jealous just because the chap knew quality when he saw it.”

“If that’s his idea of quality, let’s just hope he’s not in charge of buying,” muttered Evadne.

 

 

When they got home, the little red light was flashing on the answering machine.

“Ooh!” Hilda waved her hands excitedly. “They must have got in contact already. Play the message, will you, dear?”

Evadne sighed and pressed play. 

“Hello,” said a female voice. “This is a message for Doctor Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket from Ahler’s department store.”

“It is them!” Hilda was practically bouncing in anticipation. “Evadne! I wonder what position they’ve given me!”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “Do be quiet, Hilda. Then we can listen and find out.”

“You are both being offered positions with us.” The voice paused. “Let’s see… Doctor Hinge has been offered a position in the hardware department…”

Evadne nodded in resignation.

“And Dame Hilda…” 

There was another pause and Hilda beamed at Evadne.

“Dame Hilda will be in the staff canteen.”

Hilda’s smile faded somewhat. She addressed the answering machine.

“As… a manager?”

“Working behind the counter,” said the voice. Evadne hid a smile.

“Please telephone us as soon as possible to let us know if you wish to accept these posts. Thank you.”

Evadne pressed stop on the playback.

She raised an eyebrow. “Well, they certainly knew how to put you in your place.”

“Oh, don’t, Evadne.” Hilda looked miserable. “A dinner lady—me!”

Evadne sighed. “Don’t get all prim on me, Hilda. Where’s that land girl spirit? The girl unafraid to get her hands dirty?”

“Yes, I suppose it could be all right.” Hilda sighed.

“I’ll ring them back then.” Evadne picked up the receiver. “You go and put the kettle on.”

“All right then.”

Hilda slumped off in the direction of the kitchen.

Evadne watched her go and then looked down at the phone. She frowned. The answering machine’s little red light was still blinking. “Must be another message…” She pressed play.

 

 

A few minutes later Evadne joined Hilda in the kitchen. 

Hilda was just pouring out the first cup. “So we’re officially employed then?”

Evadne nodded. “They’ll be posting out our days and hours. But we should be starting next week.”

“Oh, joy…” Hilda held up a hand as Evadne made to interrupt her. “Yes, I know. And I am going to make the best of it. Hilda Bracket does not shirk from duty and hard work.”

“I was just going to say that I’ve got some news that’s going to cheer you up.” Evadne was beaming. “There was another message—from Mabel.”

Hilda looked a little cautious. “Oh, she isn’t going to send us more PGs, is she?”

“No, nothing like that.” Evadne furrowed her brow. “It was a terrible line, and she only left a short message. But she apologised on behalf of Gilbert and Solomon—and said she’s coming to stay!”

Hilda’s face brightened. “Oh, well—that would be lovely. Seeing Mabel for a few days.”

“I know!” Evadne was smiling too. “I’m surprised she’s willing to leave the club in someone else’s hands to be honest.”

“So when she’s coming?” asked Hilda.

Evadne came and sat down at the table. “Not absolutely sure. I phoned her back and got _her_ answering machine. But I told her it was fine by us and she could come as soon as she liked.”

“Lovely!” Hilda took a sip of her tea and put it down again. “I have to say that’s cheered me right up. I’ll just finish this cup and then I’ll go and get her a room ready.”

 

 

The next day Evadne was quick to collect the post once it had landed on the mat.

“The letters from Ahler’s are here, dear!” 

Hilda hurried out into the hall, and Evadne handed her letter to her. They both quickly opened them.

“Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays.” Evadne looked up from her letter. 

“Same for me,” said Hilda.

Evadne shrugged. “Well, that seems all right. We’ll still have time for other things. And we can travel in together.”

There was a sudden honk of a horn outside on the drive and the sound of a car pulling up.

Evadne and Hilda stared at each other. 

“Mabel!”

Evadne pulled open the front door and they hurried outside to greet her.

Mabel was already getting out of the driving seat.

“Evadne! Hilda! How lovely to see you!”

She rushed over and kissed them both on the cheek.

“Thank you so much for letting me stay.” She smiled. “I wasn’t sure you’d be happy with the arrangement.”

She turned to go and open the boot.

Evadne frowned. “Why would you think we wouldn’t be happy to have you to stay, dear..?”

Her frown deepened when she saw the number of cases Mabel had brought with her.

“Gracious, Mabel—have you been taking packing lessons from Hilda? Just how long were you thinking of staying?”

Mabel looked at her. “Well, for three months, of course.”

Hilda’s eyebrows flew up. “Three _months?”_

Mabel shook her head. “You did listen to my message, didn’t you? I said I didn’t want you to be out of pocket over Solomon and Gilbert, so I would come and take over the contract.”

“Oh, good heavens,” said Evadne. She held up her hands. “Mabel—we really can’t charge a friend for staying with us.”

Hilda nodded in agreement. “Of course not.”

Mabel laughed. “I rather think you can if I’m going to be here for three months.” 

Her expression became a little more serious. 

“Look—this is to help you out. Of course it is. But I do need a break—I haven’t had a holiday in years. And what better place than in this beautiful countryside and with good friends?”

Hilda and Evadne exchanged glances. 

Evadne shrugged a little and smiled. “Well, then—we’re happy to have you.”

“Excellent!” Mabel grinned. “Now give me a hand with all this luggage, will you?”

And amidst much excited chatter, the three ladies carried the baggage inside.

 

 

The following Tuesday was Hilda and Evadne’s first day of work at Ahler’s. 

In the hall, Hilda gazed worriedly at her reflection. “Do you think this outfit is all right? I want to be smart. But not too smart.”

She peered into the mirror a little more closely.

“And what about my hair? Should I go for something a little more… utilitarian?”

Mabel smiled kindly. “But surely it doesn’t matter, does it? You’ll be wearing a hairnet. And an overall.”

Hilda turned to stare at her in horror, and Evadne winced.

“I was waiting for the right moment to mention that.” Evadne smiled weakly. “Preferably just before I left you outside the canteen.”

Hilda looked as though she was about to say something but instead she took a deep breath and held up a hand. “It doesn’t matter. I am a professional—one must wear the correct costume for the role.”

“‘Attagirl,” grinned Mabel.

She stooped to collect the paper off the mat. “Well, then—I’ll let you kids get off to the hard day’s grind. I’ve got a lot of relaxing to do.”

“Rotter,” said Evadne.

Mabel grinned.

 

 

They parked the car in the staff carpark and entered through the staff entrance.

“Gracious,” said Hilda. “I don’t think I’ve gone up the back way before.” She looked at Evadne. “I’m not quite sure about it.”

“It’s just like entering through the stage door, Hilda,” said Evadne. “It’s a completely sensible way of doing things—remember we are employees now, not customers.”

She looked around.

“Ah, here’s where we sign in.”

They put their names in the book, and as they finished a young man with dark curly hair came up behind them.

He smiled politely. “Good morning, ladies.” 

“Good morning,” said Evadne.

“Morning, dear,” said Hilda.

The two ladies moved out of the way to allow the young man access to the book.

He leant over and added his own name and signature. Then put down the pen and looked up a little shyly. 

“Er, I’m Roger.”

“I’m Evadne…” Evadne pointed to herself. “And that’s Hilda.” She gestured at Hilda.

The young man furrowed his brow. “Haven’t I served you in the past?”

“Oh, yes—we’re regulars at Ahler’s!” Hilda beamed. “But we’re working here now.”

“Either of you in men’s apparel?” asked Roger.

Evadne glanced down at her frock and smiled cautiously. “I’m... afraid not.”

“What a shame.” Roger smiled tentatively. “It looks like we won’t be working together.”

“Oh, I see!” Hilda giggled. “No, I’m in the staff canteen. And Evadne’s in hardware.”

“Excellent!” Roger’s face lit up, and he smiled rather more confidently at Evadne. “So you’ll be working with my— That is, my— Er, I mean, Dirk.”

He blushed a little. 

“Wonderful man. You’ll be in safe hands there.”

“How lovely,” smiled Evadne. 

Hilda nodded in cheerful agreement.

Roger indicated further down the passageway. “Can I show you where the staffroom is? You can hang your coats and hats up in there. And there are lockers for your bags.”

“That’s very kind of you, dear,” said Hilda. 

“Yes, indeed,” smiled Evadne.

“Well, if you’ll follow me,” said Roger, and he began to lead the way.

“Lovely manners,” whispered Hilda as they went. “I hope everyone is as nice.”

 

 

After claiming lockers in the staffroom and putting their belongings away, Roger led Hilda and Evadne to the staff staircase.

“Oh, but can’t we go up in the lift?” asked Hilda.

“It’s just for customers, I’m afraid,” said Roger. “Mr. Kerridge, the store manager, is pretty strict about that.”

“And knowing that lift, Hilda,” said Evadne, “we’re safer going up the stairs anyway.”

The three of them began walking up. Roger left them once they had reached the first floor, leaving Hilda and Evadne to continue on up to the second.

The two ladies came to a halt outside the door that led to the shop floor.

“Well, this is my stop.” Evadne laughed a little nervously.

“You’ll be fine, dear. Don’t worry,” said Hilda.

“It’s not as though I’ve got as much experience dealing with the public as you.” Evadne stared at the door. “I’m suddenly not sure if this is a good idea.”

Hilda drew herself up to her full height. “Evadne. If I can go and work in a canteen, I’m sure you can manage working here.”

“Yes…” Evadne smiled bravely. “Yes, of course.” She squared her shoulders. “I’ll see you in the canteen at lunch, Hilda.”

And without a backward glance, she pushed through the door and onto the shop floor. Hilda rolled her eyes and carried on up the stairs.

 

 

Evadne entered the department and spotted a middle-aged man talking to a younger man.

She took out her letter of employment, gave it one last anxious glance, and walked over to her new colleagues. “Er, Mr. Girdwood?”

The middle-aged man looked at her. “I’m afraid we’re not quite open, madam. You shouldn’t really be up here ye—”

Evadne raised a hand and smiled. “No—I’m Dr. Evadne Hinge. I’m your new assistant.” She lowered her hand and extended it towards Mr. Girdwood.

He stared at it and then stared at Evadne.

_“You’re_ the new assistant? In the hardware department?”

Evadne looked a little taken aback. “Well, yes.”

Mr. Girdwood shook his head and finally reached out and took Evadne’s hand. “Sorry—when they said ‘Dr. Hinge’, I just assumed you were a man.”

Evadne raised her eyebrows. “Did you?”

Mr. Girdwood laughed. “And there is the fact this is the hardware department!”

“Yes…” Evadne gestured to the younger man. “Well, perhaps you could introduce me to my colleague?”

“Ah, yes.” Mr. Girdwood pointed at the other man. “This is Dirk. Dirk, this is—” He frowned at Evadne. “Evadne, is it, dear?”

Evadne smiled tightly. “That’s right.”

“Very pleased to meet you, Dr. Hinge,” smiled Dirk. “I’m Dirk.” He held out his hand and firmly shook hands.

Evadne returned his smile. “Please do call me Evadne.”

Mr. Girdwood frowned. “Well, isn’t that just what I said?”

“Indeed.” 

Evadne turned back to Dirk. 

Dirk furrowed his brow a little. “You seem so familiar. Have we met before?”

“Well, I have been a regular customer of Ahler’s for years,” said Evadne. “I think you might have recently sold me an appliance to assist me in doing it myself.”

“That’s right!” said Dirk. “How did decorating your spare room go?”

Evadne winced. “Oh, not too bad…” She collected herself. “Incidentally, I believe I met a friend of yours just now—Roger.”

“Oh, yes.” Dirk beamed at her. “My—” He cast a quick glance at Mr. Girdwood. “—Roger.”

Evadne nodded, a little bemused.

Mr. Girdwood cleared his throat. “Well, if you two have finished your conversation…”

Evadne smiled a little in embarrassment. “I do apologise, Mr. Girdwood.” She looked about. “Where would you like me to start?”

“Er…” Mr. Girdwood looked about too. “I must admit I’m not sure.” He laughed a little. “I don’t really know what to do with you, dear.”

Evadne gestured around vaguely. “Perhaps I could familiarise myself with some of the stock?”

“Yes! That’s a good idea.”

Mr. Girdwood reached over and picked up the nearest tool.

“Now! Do you know what this is?”

Evadne regarded him for a moment. “I do believe it’s called a screwdriver.” 

“Ah! but did you know there are two kinds of screwdrivers?” said Mr. Girdwood.

“Yes,” said Evadne. “Flathead screwdrivers and Phillips screwdrivers. I do have quite a selection at home.”

“Oh, well done!” smiled Mr. Girdwood. “So often ladies have no idea at all. Well, this sort of thing is more for men, isn’t it?”

Evadne smiled tightly. “I think, Mr. Girdwood, that you will find I have quite a lot of the same equipment that the average man has.”

“Do you..?”

Mr. Girdwood raised his eyebrows. 

“Well, then—it’s past opening time. Let’s see what you can do.”

He discreetly indicated a gentleman customer who had just entered and was browsing a little uncertainly.

“See if you can help him.”

“Of course, Mr. Girdwood.”

Evadne walked confidently over to the harassed looking man. 

“Excuse me, sir. Can I be of any assistance?”

The man looked up at her warily. “I don’t mean to be impolite, Miss. But I think I might be more comfortable talking to a man about this.”

“I see…” Evadne turned to go and fetch Mr. Girdwood or Dirk but then abruptly turned back. “Sir, I can assure you that I do know what I’m talking about and I am _sure_ that I can help you.”

“Well…” The man smiled awkwardly. “It’s a little embarrassing. I was fiddling about in my bathroom this morning…”

Evadne eyed him cautiously. “Yes..?”

“I had my hand shoved inside as far as I could reach. And in the end I decided it was easier to just pull it out.”

Evadne took a step backwards, noticed what she was doing and stepped forwards again. “Right.”

“I needed to loosen my nuts, you see. And I’ve tried holding it tightly in my hand but it keeps shooting off.”

“Ah!” Evadne held up a finger. “I think I see what you’re getting at now. I’m sure I can assist you with that.” She leaned forwards confidentially. “Would you like to see my range of vices?”

The customer nodded enthusiastically. 

 

 

Hilda reached the door of the canteen. She sighed, straightened her shoulders and entered.

There was nobody in the eating area. Hilda made her way behind the counter and knocked tentatively at the door to the preparations area.

“Hello..?”

A large lady opened the door.

Hilda beamed. “Hilda Bracket. Reporting for duty.”

The lady smiled at her. “Ah, yes.” She gestured to Hilda to come through. “I’m Irene. Come and meet the rest of the girls.”

Hilda entered the food preparation area and smiled round at the group of middle-aged women gathered there.

“Here’s our new recruit!” said Irene.

“That’s Sadie…” 

“Hello!” A tall lady gave Hilda a warm smile. 

“That’s Barbara and Lorraine. That’s Dorothy. That’s Mary.”

There was a chorus of hellos.

“And this is Janet,” said Irene, pointing out a small West Indian lady.

“Hello, everyone,” said Hilda. “I’m—”

“Dame Hilda Bracket!” Janet was beaming. “Yes—I’ve often heard you sing, of course.”

_“Dame_ Hilda Bracket?” Irene stared at Hilda. “And you’re coming to work in the canteen?”

“Well, yes, of course,” said Hilda.

Irene hesitated. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude. But we all have to work pretty hard here, and...”

She considered Hilda’s carefully selected and elegant ensemble.

“It’s perhaps… not your sort of place..?”

Hilda straightened her shoulders. “I can assure it is _exactly_ my kind of place.” 

She looked Irene in the eye. 

“When my country needed me, I worked on the land. When my company needed me, I performed Gilbert and Sullivan, three times a night, seven days a week. And now when my household needs me, I have come to work at Ahler’s. All I ask is that you give me a chance—that you allow me to show what I can do. There is nothing that gives me pause! There is nothing I will shirk from! There is nothing that will stop me from getting stuck in!” 

Hilda paused dramatically.

“Hilda Bracket _always_ does her duty!”

Irene shook her head in admiration, and smiled. 

“Well! I can’t really argue with that.”

She turned to Janet.

“Show Hilda the deep fat fryers, would you?”

Hilda smiled weakly. “Sounds lovely.”

 

 

At one o’clock Hilda spotted Evadne coming into the canteen and gave her a discreet wave. 

Evadne smiled and made her way over to the counter.

“So how’s your day going?” asked Hilda, as she wielded the spoon in the mashed potato.

Evadne inclined her head. “Not too bad. My first customer was wonderful. Managed to interest him in one of my vices.”

“Good heavens,” said Hilda.

“But my next customer was a complete waste of time. He seemed so interested in everything I had to say. Then it turns out all he was after was a screw.”

Hilda nodded sadly. “So often the way with men.”

“But how are things with you?” asked Evadne. “You seem to know what you’re doing.”

Hilda beamed. “Couldn’t ask for a nicer group of colleagues! I’ve slotted straight in.” 

“That’s wonderful.” Evadne sighed. “My fellow assistant is wonderful, but the department manager seems a bit of an idiot.” She held up her hands. “But it could be worse.”

“And we’re on our way!” said Hilda. She smiled. “We’ll have the money for the septic tank before we know it.”

 

 

“I’m back, dear! You can go for lunch now!”

Evadne looked around the deserted hardware department until she spotted Dirk. She smiled coyly.

“Oh, have I caught you adjusting your equipment?”

Dirk looked up from the counter and nodded. “Just taking advantage of the lull in customers.” He sighed. “Though it has to be said the lulls are getting longer and longer at the moment. Customers are going out of town to the bigger stores.”

He smiled at Evadne.

“But let’s talk about happier things. How are you enjoying your first day?”

“It’s not too bad,” smiled Evadne. “I must say it makes all the difference having a pleasant colleague to work with.”

Dirk grinned. “I agree with you there. And I have to say it’s nice for me to have a woman for a change.”

Evadne furrowed her brow. “I beg your pardon...?”

“In the department,” said Dirk hastily. “I have to say that Ahler’s can be a bit old fashioned and set in their ways in that area—’women in the perfumery department, men in the hardware department.’” He leant confidentially forwards Evadne. “I have to say that I don’t really know much about DIY at all. But it’s a case of ‘you’re a man—you belong with the spanners.’”

“Oh dear…” Evadne smiled sympathetically. “Which department would you rather be in?”

“Oh, music, definitely.” Dirk looked modest. “I sing a little—I used to be in the local operatic and drama society: the STOATS.”

“Oh, yes...” said Evadne. She lifted a finger thoughtfully and pointed at him. “Didn’t I see you in The Boyfriend?”

“That’s right!” Dirk smiled at her. 

Evadne nodded. “I was quite impressed. You were rather good.”

Dirk glanced downwards and back up again. “Oh, I don’t know about that. It was a lot of fun though—I’m sorry I gave it up.” He shrugged. “But you know, work and what have you.”

“What a pity,” said Evadne.

“Still, I keep up with my practising at home,” said Dirk. “I’d love to go back to it.”

He looked ruefully around the shop floor.

“And to be honest, I’d rather be working in the music department than here.”

Evadne sighed. “Oh, me too, dear. Me too.”

Dirk looked at her and his eyes went wide.

“Of course! Doctor Evadne Hinge! Naturally I’d heard your name being mentioned amongst my fellow STOATS and I’d seen your photograph but…”

“Yes, it has been a while since we involved with one of their productions,” said Evadne.

Dirk laughed a little. “What a way to meet! We miss each other during The Boyfriend and meet in a hardware department.”

“You’ll be in for another surprise once you go for your lunch,” said Evadne. 

“Oh, yes?” said Dirk. 

“My colleague Dame Hilda Bracket is serving in the canteen.” 

Evadne smiled. 

“Speaking of which, I’d better get back to work. And you’d better go and get your lunch before they stop serving.”

 

 

An hour later, Irene watched the last diner leaving and checked her watch. “That should be the last of them. Let’s get started on the clearing up and then we can have _our_ dinner.”

“Is there anything in particular you want me to do?” asked Hilda, almost bouncing over.

Irene beamed at her.

“You know, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. You seem to be the only one left with any energy after that lunchtime rush.”

“Well, it is only my first day,” said Hilda. “But I have to say, after you’ve done the whole Ring Cycle in one go at Crewe, nothing feels that tiring any more.” 

Hilda looked around at her weary colleagues.

“What we need is to have a bit of a sing-song while we work. Something to get our energy levels up.”

“Something from... the Ring Cycle?” said Janet cautiously.

“No”! Hilda giggled. “What about something from Gilbert and Sullivan?” Hilda furrowed her brow. “How about _With cat-like tread?”_

Irene frowned. “I don’t think I know that one.”

“Oh, you must do,” said Hilda. She burst into song. 

_“Come, friends, who plough the sea! Truce to navigation, take another station! Let’s vary piracee with a little burglaree!”_

Irene laughed. “Oh, _yes._ I do know that one!”

“Right! Altogether then,” said Hilda. 

And she started off from the beginning:

_“With cat-like tread…”_

Irene and Janet joined in, giggling.

_“Upon our prey we steal…”_

Dorothy and Lorraine exchanged amused glances and joined in too. 

_“In silence dread,  
Our cautious way we feel...”_

And very soon the whole canteen was resounding to the joyful noise of a group of middle-aged ladies expounding on the pleasures of breaking and entering.


	3. What grace—what delicacy—what refinement!

It had been a quiet day in the hardware department.

Around one o’clock Roger entered the floor.

Mr. Girdwood looked up at him and Roger smiled apologetically. “Sorry, Mr. Girdwood. I just came to see if Dirk was ready to go to lunch yet.”

Mr. Girdwood turned to Dirk. “Yes, you can go now, if you like.”

He turned to Evadne too. “You can go as well. We’re not exactly run off our feet.”

“Well, if you’re sure,” smiled Evadne.

And she, Dirk and Roger made their way up to the canteen.

 

 

“I have to say, Irene,” smiled Evadne as she was being served at the counter by Hilda. “You’ve got the place looking lovely.” She looked around. “Those pretty paper napkins, flowers in little vases. I’m surprised those higher-up agreed to fund it.”

“They didn’t, dear,” said Hilda. She waved a hand, airily. “I just brought in a few things from home.” She smiled at Irene. “Well, it all helps, doesn’t it? Keeps morale up.”

Dirk and Roger had finished being served and were making their way to a table.

Evadne took her tray and turned towards another.

“Oh, do please come and sit with us, Evadne!” said Dirk.

Roger nodded. “Please.”

“Well, if you’re sure…” Evadne came over and took her place at the table with a smile.

“So are you completely settled in?” asked Roger. “How long’s it been now?”

“About a month, I think,” said Evadne. “And I am pretty much settled in, thank you. I’m quite enjoying working in hardware.”

“But you would still rather be in music?” said Dirk.

“I suppose so,” said Evadne, with a smile and a shrug.

“That would be my first choice too,” said Roger. “I’ve put in a request several times but it never seems to happen.”

“Another music enthusiast!” smiled Evadne. “Dirk told me he was in the STOATS. Were you a member too?”

Roger nodded. “That’s how we met, oddly, even though we both already worked for Ahler’s. Dirk auditioned to be my Boyfriend.”

Evadne raised an eyebrow.

“I mean…” Roger looked rather flustered. “I was directing The Boyfriend and Dirk was my lead. _The_ lead. Not particularly mine.”

“I see,” said Evadne in some bemusement. Dirk on the other hand appeared to be greatly amused.

Roger took a great gulp of his orange juice.

“I do…” He caught his breath. “...sing as well myself though.”

“Did you have to give it up because of work too?” asked Evadne.

“That and the distance. Having to get home afterwards,” said Roger. “I live near Bury St. Edmunds, you see.”

“Good heavens. That’s quite a way to come and work here,” said Evadne.

“I have suggested Roger could come and live with me,” grinned Dirk. “But he’s not keen.”

“Dirk…” muttered Roger.

He smiled politely at Evadne.

“I’m just not ready yet…to move.” He glanced at Dirk. “And everything.”

He looked down, blushing slightly.

“Oh…” Evadne looked thoughtful. “You live in a nice spot and don’t want to give it up?”

“That’s not quite what I—” Roger was blushing quite a lot now. “But yes, it is a nice place. I’m very lucky. Quiet. Friendly neighbours.”

“I’m friendly too,” said Dirk.

Roger fiddled with his cutlery and cleared his throat. “Just to change the subject…”

Dirk looked down and smiled.

“I had rather an intriguing conversation with one of my neighbours recently. Miss Primrose. We were talking about my interest in amateur dramatics and she swears that she used to go to theatre performances at Ahler’s.”

“Really?” Evadne frowned. “When was this? Hilda and I moved to Stackton in ‘56 and I don’t remember anything like that then. And I don’t remember any of our neighbours talking about it.”

“I did wonder if she was confusing Ahler’s with the Co-op Hall or something. The memory can play tricks,” said Roger. “But she’s pretty insistent. Was only for a short period of time, she said.”

“Perhaps it was just a gimmick,” said Dirk.

“Maybe,” said Roger. “But Miss Primrose seems to think there was a proper stage and everything.”

“What’s that, dear?” asked Hilda. She’d come to wipe down the table next to them.

“Roger’s neighbour seems to think that Ahler’s used put on shows,” said Evadne.

“Good heavens,” said Hilda. “How charmingly mysterious.” She finished wiping the table and gave it a satisfied look. “It would be lovely if it were true.”

“Hilda!”

It was Sadie, calling from the ajar door of the preparation area.

“Er, could you come and give me a hand unblocking the sink?”

Hilda sighed. “But back to real life.”

 

 

The next day Hilda and Evadne were relaxing in the living room before leaving for work, when Mabel rapped on the open door.

“Is it OK if I come in?” she called cheerfully.

“Of course it is, dear,” smiled Hilda.

Evadne frowned. “You really don’t have to keep asking permission to come into our part of the house, Mabel. You’re free to use our living room any time you want.”

Mabel came into the room, grinning. “I don’t want to take liberties. I am just the lodger after all.”

Evadne sighed. “Very amusing.”

“And as I’m the lodger…” She handed over a cheque with a flourish.

Evadne took it with some embarrassment. “Thank you, dear.” She got up and walked over to her handbag to put the cheque away.

Mabel looked over at Hilda. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like the rent weekly rather than monthly? I don’t mind, you know.”

“But there isn’t really any advantage to us getting it weekly,” said Evadne, coming back. “It’s not as though we need the money to live on. It goes straight into my bank account and will be waiting there until we’ve got enough between us to pay for our new tank and soakaway.”

Hilda looked thoughtful. “Has it really been a month..?”

“The time’s flown, hasn’t it?” said Evadne. “And we’re doing well on our savings. With our earnings and Mabel’s rent I think we should have enough at the end of another two months.”

Hilda checked her wristwatch. “Talking of earnings, dear, we really should get going.”

“Good heavens. Yes, indeed,” said Evadne. “We’ll see you later, Mabel.”

They both rushed to get ready.

 

 

“Oh, here she is at last!” laughed Mary.

Barbara tapped her watch archly, but with a big grin.

Hilda dipped her head sheepishly as she hurried in. “Sorry I’m late, everybody.”

Irene raised an eyebrow. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming in at all.”

“It wasn’t entirely my fault,” said Hilda.

She took off her coat.

“You see, Evadne and I were running the teensiest bit late and I decided to take the lift up.”

Janet furrowed her brow. “You’re not really supposed to use the lift if you’re an employee.”

“I know, dear,” said Hilda. “And I rather wish I hadn’t now. Once it got going, it wouldn’t stop. It kept going up and down, stopping at every floor but never long enough for me to get the door open. I finally ended up stuck between this floor and the one above. I’ve been in there 15 minutes waiting for it to be sorted out.”

“Oh, dear.” Irene fought to hide a smile, but then she looked thoughtful. “But you say you were caught between this floor and the one above? I didn’t think the lift went any higher than this floor. I thought it stopped here and then there’s just the steps up to the roof.”

Hilda gave a little shrug. “From what I could see through the gate, I’d overshot this floor and was heading for another.”

“How odd,” said Irene. She frowned. “Must be storage space up there I suppose.”

She gestured to everyone.

“Come on, we’d better get on now—let’s get the prep done.”

 

 

It was the height of the dinnertime rush, but Hilda smiled as the young woman approached the counter. Ellie from the ladies department had become one of her favourite regulars.

“Now, dear—what would you like?” said Hilda. “The chips are very good today. And I think you might be surprised by the mushy peas.”

“Yes…” Ellie smiled weakly. “Maybe the salad? And the baked potato with grated cheese? I’m trying to watch my figure at the moment.”

“Oh, nonsense!” said Hilda. “You have a lovely figure. And you’re always so elegantly turned out.”

“Thank you,” said Ellie. “I have to say, so are you.”

“Really, dear?” Hilda stared down at her overall.

Ellie giggled. “You know what I mean. You wear clothes so well—you always seem so poised. Actually…”

She looked thoughtful.

“You’re a singer, aren’t you? Used to being on stage?”

“Oh, yes, dear,” smiled Hilda. She laughed a little coyly. “Never happier than when doing my stuff in front of an audience!”

“Well, I was thinking,” said Ellie. “Why don’t you apply to do some of the modelling for the ladies department? We’re always having little fashion shows for the customers. And we need the more mature fig—”

She caught Hilda’s expression.

“We need people in your age group..?” she suggested carefully.

“Well, it does sound appealing, dear,” said Hilda. “But I am rather busy in the canteen.”

“I’m sure you could work round it,” said Ellie. She leant forward. “It might mean a few extra hours and a bit of extra money. Heaven knows we all need it.”

“Yes… Yes, indeed,” said Hilda thoughtfully.

“Well, just pop in and speak to the department head, if you’re interested,” said Ellie.

 

 

Evadne and Mabel looked up from the settee as Hilda entered slowly and smoothly, her head held high. She took deliberate steps into the centre of the room, paused in a definite pose and then pivoted and headed back out of the door again.

Evadne frowned while Mabel smiled in bemusement.

Hilda’s head popped round the door again with a huge smile on it. “So what do you think?”

Evadne stared at Hilda and then shook her head. “It’s been a very long day, Hilda. What do I think about what?”

Hilda hurried back into the room and sat down in her chair. “About my doing modelling?”

“Chanel been calling, have they?” Evadne rolled her eyes and lay back against the settee. “I really think working at Ahler’s and Mabel’s rent will be enough for the septic tank.”

“No, this will be at Ahler’s!” Hilda patted her knees in excitement. “The ladies’ department does little fashion shows. They needed someone attractive, someone with a good figure, someone with grace and deportment. And I’ve been headhunted!”

Evadne’s eyes swivelled to Hilda. “Well, I suppose it’s not difficult for a hunter to find your head. It is such a big one.”

Hilda wasn’t listening. “I’ve spoken to the head of the ladies’ wear department. I wouldn’t have to give up my hours with the canteen. This’ll be extra money on top of that.” She giggled. “And it sounds like it might be rather fun.”

Evadne sighed and snuggled in further into the settee. “Well, yes. It’s fine by me.”

“Good,” said Hilda. “Because I’m doing my first show on Saturday!”

“How thrilling.” There was a mischievous look in Mabel’s eye. “Perhaps I could come along and give moral support.”

 

 

“Oh, I’m so excited!” said Hilda, as they made their way up the stairs.

“So you keep saying,” sighed Evadne. “For heaven’s sake, Hilda. It’s just a little fashion show.”

“But it makes a nice change!” said Hilda. “And I’m going to be paid for it! I’m determined to enjoy myself.”

“Well, just try to remember this is Ahler’s in Stackton Tressel and not Paris Fashion week,” said Evadne.

They paused outside the ladies’ wear department.

Hilda turned to Evadne, looking anxious. “Do I look all right? Should I have worn the lilac?”

Evadne groaned quietly. “For heaven’s sake, Hilda. You’ll be taking all that off in a few minutes and putting something else on. You do remember what being a model means?”

“Oh, yes—of course.”

Hilda smiled weakly.

Evadne smiled back at her. “You’re going to be absolutely fine. Have fun and I’ll see you later.”

With a little wave, Evadne carried on to the hardware department and Hilda stepped through the doors into the world of ladies’ apparel.

“Excuse me!”

A assistant rushing past with a chair halted and gave Hilda a quick smile. “Can I help you?”

“I’m one of the models. For the fashion show,” said Hilda.

“Oh, right!” The girl smiled. “Let me take you to our supervisor Mrs. Waldrip.”

The girl led Hilda to where a rather forbidding woman was addressing a group of young women.

She dismissed them just as Hilda and the assistant came up.

“Mrs. Waldrip? Another of your young ladies,” said the girl, without a hint of irony.

Hilda gave Mrs. Waldrip a weak smile and Mrs. Waldrip looked at her doubtfully.

“You’re here for the mature stuff, are you?” she said.

Hilda looked somewhat startled. “Well, I’d like to keep my cardigan on.”

Mrs. Waldrip smiled tightly. “I mean, you’re here to model the clothing for mature ladies.”

“Oh, yes. Of course,” laughed Hilda. “I thought for a minute there—”

She caught Mrs. Waldrip’s expression and came to a halt.

“Right,” said Mrs. Waldrip. “Now, the main purpose of this fashion show is to sell stuff that’s new in.”

“How exciting!” said Hilda gazing around the shop floor. “You’ve got some gorgeous things.”

“That’s the _main_ purpose… But we also need to try and shift some of the older stuff that’s been hanging around in the stockroom for years.” Mrs. Waldrip looked Hilda up and down. “Which is where you come in.”

“Where I..?” Hilda looked at her in bemusement.

“Well, we can’t exactly palm it off on the younger customers, can we?” Mrs. Waldrip directed Hilda towards a rail. “Now, for your outfits in the show you can pick anything on this.”

Hilda stared at the rail aghast. “Is that..?” She swallowed. _“...beige..?”_

Mrs. Waldrip shrugged. “There’s lime green, if you prefer.”

“Lime green…” Hilda nodded with resignation. “Beige it is.”

She selected the least tasteless beige skirt and blouse from the rail, and Mrs. Waldrip gestured over at a curtained-off section of the floor.

“You go and get changed over there. Ellie will take you through what you need to do.”

“Thank you.”

Hilda smiled weakly and made her way over.

She cautiously pulled the curtain aside, and saw a group of about ten young women in various states of undress.

“Hello!” A fully-clothed Ellie smiled at Hilda. “I’m acting as wardrobe mistress, I suppose you’d say.”

She looked at what Hilda was holding.

“Oh.” She looked up. “Are you… sure… that’s what you want to wear?”

“To be honest I wouldn’t be caught dead in this,” said Hilda mournfully. “But it’s the best of a bad bunch.”

She gazed around at the younger women who were all putting on the brand new fashions.

She turned back to Ellie. “I know I can’t wear these outfits and I certainly don’t ever want to be accused of being mutton dressed as lamb…”

She sighed.

“But Mrs. Waldrip seems to think that once you pass sixt— Once you pass a certain age, you’re willing to wear any kind of rubbish and be grateful about it.”

Ellie nodded. “Well, if Mrs. Waldrip says you have to wear it, then I suppose you do.”

Hilda nodded despondently.

Ellie grinned mischievously. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t add a few things to the outfit…”

 

 

Hilda examined herself in the full length mirror. “Ellie, you’re a miracle worker!”

There was now a chic little hat on her head, an elegant cashmere shawl around her shoulders, and a pair of claret coloured court shoes on her feet.

“Hilda, you shall go to the ball!” smiled Ellie.

“Oh, but you’ve got such a good eye…” Hilda turned slightly to admire her outfit from the side. “The skirt and blouse look entirely presentable now.”

Ellie beamed at the compliment. “And don’t worry. I’ll go and have a rummage through the rest of the rail and put together a few more outfits for you.”

Hilda turned to her. “Ellie, you’re an angel!”

Ellie grinned. “Well, then,” she said. “Time to meet your public.”

 

 

Hilda gathered together with the other models behind a curtain.

She smiled at the nearest. “Hello, dear. I’m Hilda.”

The girl smiled back at her a little nervously. “I’m Carol.”

“And I’m Linda,” smiled the girl next to her. “This is Debbie.”

She pointed to the girl on her other side.

“I’m very pleased to meet you all,” said Hilda. “Is this your first time doing this?”

Carol nodded. “And I feel ever so anxious. I know it’s silly—we’re just walking past a few customers.”

Hilda patted her arm. “A few nerves are to be expected. But you’ll be absolutely fine.”

Some taped music began to play softly in the background.

Carol looked rather pale. “Oh, no! That means we’re about to start.”

Hilda listened attentively to the music. A sweet tune with some soprano voices gently harmonising without words.

“That’s lovely,” said Hilda appreciatively. “ I’m sorry—I’m not really up on the very latest music. Is it a new group?”

Debbie grinned. “It’s us!” She indicated herself, Carol and Linda.

“Good heavens!” said Hilda. “It’s marvellous.”

Linda smiled. “We wanted to help out if we could. The management are always looking to save money here and there, and we’d rather the money didn’t come from cutting back our hours.”

“But you’ve got such talent,” said Hilda. “Really you have.”

“Thanks,” beamed Debbie.

Mrs. Waldrip appeared at this point.

“Right, then. It’s Carol first.”

She disappeared again.

“Oh God…” Carol’s shoulders slumped.

“You’re going out there an Ahler’s assistant but you’re coming back a star!” beamed Hilda. “Break a leg, dear!”

Carol gave her a little smile. She took a deep breath, pulled back the curtain and stepped out onto the shop floor. There was a smattering of applause from the assembled customers.

Hilda watched through a gap as Carol walked down the part of the floor marked out as a runway, paused at the end, and then returned to the curtain.

She came back through looking a lot happier. “It was fine! Everyone’s just looking at the clothes, not us.”

“Shame!” Debbie was grinning as she moved forward to make her way through the curtain.

After a little while, Debbie returned beaming and Linda made her way out.

And once Linda was back, it was Hilda’s turn.

She took a deep breath, stepped out from behind the curtain and began moving gracefully across the floor.

There was a wolf whistle from somewhere in the crowd. Hilda turned her head fractionally to see Mabel grinning at her from somewhere ahead.

“Oh, great heavens,” Hilda muttered to herself.

She firmly ignored Mabel and made her way down the runway, until she reached the end where she paused.

Mabel was leaning over to her neighbour. “Isn’t that a lovely hat? And you can do such a lot with beige, can’t you?”

All around her, other customers were nodding and making notes on the forms they’d been supplied with.

Hilda glanced at Mabel and gave her a quick look of gratitude, and began her return to the curtain to change into her next outfit.

 

 

Ellie came and found Hilda afterwards, just as she’d finished changing back into her own clothes.

“I was the one collecting the orders from the customers,” said Ellie. “I thought you might like to know that, just from your first outfit, we’ve sold 15 of the hats, 23 of the cashmere shawls and completely sold out of the claret court shoes. In fact…”

She picked up the shoes Hilda had been wearing earlier.

“I’ll have to pinch these off you and get them ready for the customer who’s bought them.”

Hilda clapped her hands. “Oh, but that’s wonderful, dear.”

“And what’s more...” Ellie grinned. “You even managed to make people want to buy the beige skirt and blouse. We’ve sold all of those too.”

Hilda struck a pose in her own clothes, waving one hand carelessly.

“Well, when you’ve got class, dear…”

Ellie giggled.

 

 

Hilda hurried into the canteen, fetched her hat and overall from the kitchen, and came and took her place at the counter with Janet, just in time to see the first lot of diners entering.

“So how did it go?” asked Janet beaming at her.

“Oh, wonderfully well!” said Hilda. She smiled back. “I loved it! And it seems to be good for business too.”

She smiled at Roger who was first in the queue.

“Good afternoon, dear. How’s men’s apparel? Do you ever do fashion shows there too?”

Roger shook his head. “Unfortunately I’ve been taken out of the men’s department. I’m selling baths now.”

“Gracious. Why’s that?” said Hilda.

Roger shrugged. “The powers that be are always moving us about from department to department. Trying to take on as little new staff as possible you see.” He sighed. “But I never seem to end up where I’d like to be…”

“In the music department. Evadne did say.” Hilda nodded. “That would be nice for you and Dirk.”

Evadne had entered the canteen now too and was making her way over to the counter.

She rolled her eyes at Hilda’s beaming face. “So—how did it go?”

“It was _marvellous,”_ said Hilda. “I did ever so well.”

“A permanent transfer on the horizon, is there?” said Evadne.

“Oh, no,” said Hilda. “I couldn’t leave the canteen.” She looked thoughtful. “But I suppose that might not necessarily be in my hands. Do you know Roger has been taken out of his men’s apparel and thrown into baths?”

Evadne raised her eyebrows. “Good heavens.” She shrugged. “Though I must say I wouldn’t say no to a change from hardware, if there was ever a transfer in the offing.”

 

 

“Evadne?” said Mr. Girdwood as she returned from lunch. “There was a message from Mr. Kerridge the store manager. He wanted to see you as soon as possible.”

“Good heavens.” Evadne’s eyes widened. “What on earth have I done? Should I go now?”

“Yes, that’s fine,” said Mr. Girdwood. “I’m sure Dirk and I can cope.” He looked around the deserted shop floor. “Unfortunately.”

 

 

Evadne made her way up the stairs to the top floor. She read the names on the doors as she went, until she spotted ‘Store Manager’.

“This must be the one...”

She paused, took a deep breath, and knocked.

“Come in!” called a masculine voice.

Evadne opened the door and entered.

She was somewhat startled to find Hilda already seated inside the room.

Hilda gave her a weak smile.

Mr. Kerridge the store manager gave Evadne a somewhat more confident smile. “Do sit down, Doctor Hinge!”

“Oh, thank you.”

Evadne sat. She glanced at Hilda, who gave her a minute shrug. Evadne returned her attention to Mr. Kerridge.

He smiled at them. “No need to look so worried. It’s good news—I hope.”

He leant forward. “A lot of our staff have left us suddenly, and you might be the perfect replacements. How do you feel about transferring to the music department?”

“Oh!” Evadne placed a hand on the centre of her chest. “That would be marvellous.” She turned to Hilda. “Wouldn’t it, dear?”

“Well, yes…” Hilda smiled a little hesitantly. “But I have been getting on so well in the staff canteen…”

“Well, it would be a little more money. And more hours for you, if you want them,” said Mr. Kerridge. “And you both seem perfectly suited for the positions. I’d be very happy if you chose to take the transfer.”

“I think I can safely say now that my answer is yes but…” Evadne looked at Hilda.

Hilda gave a little smile. “Can I have a little time to think about it?”

“Of course,” said Mr. Kerridge. “Could you possibly let me know tomorrow how you feel? If you don’t want the position, then we can start advertising for external candidates.”

 

 

Back in the canteen, Hilda tentatively broached the subject.

“Hilda…” Irene smiled. “We do appreciate your loyalty. But I’m sure we’ll cope. And it sounds like they’re desperate in the music department.”

“But are you sure?” said Hilda.

“Yes!” said Irene and all the other women nodded too.

“I do like the idea of working in the music department, but I’m going to miss you all so _much...”_ Hilda’s voice broke slightly and she began rummaging in her pocket for a handkerchief.

Irene rolled her eyes. “Hilda Bracket. We’re all still going to be working in the same building. We’ll still be seeing each other at least once a day.” She smiled ruefully. “And knowing your need for cups of tea, probably several times a day.”

Hilda giggled through her tears.

 

 

In the hardware department, Evadne was making her way through a similar conversation with Dirk.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

Dirk shrugged and smiled. “I don’t think there’s enough work for Mr. Girdwood and me, let alone the three of us. It should be fine.”

“That wasn’t quite what I meant.” Evadne smiled hesitantly. “I mean, I’m being transferred to the music department. You aren’t—I mean..?”

“Jealous?” Dirk gave her a genuine grin. “Well, of course I am. But it has to be said your qualifications in that area do rather outrank mine.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” sighed Evadne. “Being a doctor of music doesn’t necessarily make me a good saleswoman.”

“I’m not sure I’d make a good saleswoman either,” laughed Dirk.

“Oh, Dirk…” Evadne smiled at him. “I really am going to miss working with you.”

“Well, you’ll have to come and visit me on your breaks,” said Dirk. “Tell me where I’m going wrong.”

 

 

And so a few days later, Hilda and Evadne found themselves being the new girls all over again.

“Thank you so much for agreeing to the transfer,” said Mr. Hiskett, the manager of the music department. He gestured around the empty shop floor. “All my assistants have gone to join the Pirates of Penzance.”

“Good heavens,” said Hilda. “Times must be hard.”

Mr. Hiskett looked puzzled. “It’s a new production over in Bury St. Edmunds. Looks like it’s doing well—might be transferring to London.”

“Yes, I was just—” said Hilda. She looked at the manager’s expression. “Doesn’t matter.”

Evadne rolled her eyes.

“But I believe you can sing and play a bit?” said Mr. Hiskett.

“Yes, indeed,” said Evadne carefully. “We are both professional musicians.”

“Excellent!” said Mr. Hiskett. “You do need to be able to discuss things with the customers, you see.”

He pointed to a door to one side.

“Now, will you be all right for a while? I just need to pop into my office and get on with the paperwork. But let me know if you need any help with the customers.”

Mr. Hiskett moved away and Evadne leant over to mutter to Hilda.

“What customers, I’d like to know? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone even browsing since we got here.”

“It’s such a shame,” said Hilda. “They’ve got some marvellous things. I mean, look at this grand piano.”

“I know,” said Evadne. She touched one key and removed her hand embarrassed as the middle C sounded. “Lovely tone.”

Hilda looked around shiftily. “You know, Mr. Hiskett has disappeared into his little room.” She leant forward confidentially. “Let’s have a tinkle.”

Evadne raised an eyebrow.

“You play and I’ll sing,” said Hilda.

Evadne giggled girlishly. “Why not?”

She seated herself at the keyboard.

“What would you like to sing then?”

“Oh…” Hilda looked thoughtful. “What about something from Show Boat? _Life Upon the Wicked Stage?”_

“Perfect.”

Evadne went into the introduction and Hilda began singing:

_“Life upon the wicked stage ain't ever what a girl supposes…”_

Someone entered the shop floor.

Evadne turned her head and nodded politely. The lady customer indicated they should keep going, so Evadne returned her attention to the keys.

More and more people began entering, and gradually began gathering at a discreet distance around the piano.

Then Mr. Hiskett re-entered too.

Evadne looked up at him worriedly but he too indicated with a smile they should keep on going.

Hilda reached the end:

_“Life upon the wicked stage ain't nothin' for a girl!”_

Their audience applauded and there were even a few cheers.

“Thank you so much,” smiled Hilda. “Thank you.”

The small crowd began to disperse. But they didn’t leave—they began to look round the goods.

Mr. Hiskett came over to Hilda and Evadne.

“I heard the music and came out to see what was going on. That’s the most people we’ve had in the department for weeks! You can certainly do that again.”

A customer held up her hand to ask Mr. Hiskett a question and he hurried over.

Hilda and Evadne looked at each other.

_“Well,”_ beamed Hilda. “Looks as though we’re a hit!”

 

 

Evadne and Hilda arrived home to find Mabel waiting for them. She looked somewhat serious as they alighted from the Rolls.

“Good gracious, what is it, dear?” asked Hilda.

Mabel hesitated. “I’ve been out in the garden.”

Hilda nodded. “Evadne’s topiary does have that effect on people.”

Evadne gave Hilda a sharp look and turned to Mabel. “Don’t tell me—the septic tank is getting worse.”

Mabel nodded. “Afraid so.”

She led them over to a muddy area of grass.

“Probably best not to go any further. There’s definitely an area that’s getting very boggy.”

“Oh, no! Whatever are we going to do?” said Hilda.

“Now let’s not panic,” said Evadne. “We’re going to have the money for the replacement tank very soon.”

“But what if someone sinks into the mud?” said Hilda.

Evadne waved a hand. “We’ll simply ask visitors to avoid the area.”

“But what if someone arrives when we’re out?” said Hilda. “Or what if someone trespasses and falls in?”

“We’ll leave wellingtons by the perimeter fence.” Evadne rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Hilda. It’s not that bad.”

She took a small step forwards.

And her leg sank up to the calf.

“Evadne!” Hilda looked aghast.

“I’m fine! I’m fine!”

Evadne attempted to pull her leg out, overbalanced and toppled over face-first into the mud.

“Oh my goodness!”

Hilda rushed forwards with Mabel not far behind.

“Don’t go too close to the bog, Hilda!” said Mabel. She leant forwards from the waist. “Evadne, can you give me your hand?”

Evadne managed to half turn over, and Mabel grabbed one hand and pulled Evadne to a half sitting position.

“Come on, dear!” Hilda managed to grab Evadne’s other hand, and she and Mabel hauled Evadne out of the mud until she was standing up again.

They let go and Evadne wiped the mud out of her eyes.

“Right,” she said. “It might be a _little_ worse than I thought.”

She tried to wipe the mud off the rest of the face and then gave up.

“Looks like we’ll have to fence it off.”

 

 

“So that’s going to be another £50,” said Hilda as she drove them to work the next day.

“At least we’ll only have to pay for materials,” said Evadne. “I can do the assembling, and Mabel has offered to help. And we really can’t leave the area open.”

She sighed.

“I was in the bath for an hour and a half trying to get that mud out. I had grime in every orifice.”

Hilda smiled weakly. “Lovely.”

 

 

After leaving their belongings in the staff room, Evadne made her way straight to the music department but Hilda popped up to the canteen.

Irene was there on her own, concentrating on a sheet of paper.

Hilda smiled at her.

“Good morning! Just come for a quick cup of tea!”

Irene looked up. “Good morning.”

“Oh.” Hilda frowned at the sight of Irene’s gloomy expression. “What’s the matter, dear?”

Irene showed her the piece of paper she’d been reading. “Memo from the owners. The place is in trouble. Well, we knew takings were down but they’re warning about possible redundancies if things don’t pick up.”

“Oh, no…” Hilda took the memo and studied it.

She looked up again.

“Surely you’ll be all right, won’t you? As the manager?”

Irene shrugged. “You never know. They might decide to close the whole canteen. Expect employees to go out for their meals. And even if they don’t close us down, it upsets me to think of losing any of my staff.” She put her hand on Hilda’s arm. “And what about you? I mean, you haven’t even completed your probation period yet.”

Hilda’s eyes widened. “Yes, that’s right.” She looked at Irene. “And it’ll be last in, first out…”

 

 

Hilda hurried into the music department.

Evadne nodded as she saw Hilda’s face. “I see you’ve heard the news too. Mr. Hiskett’s just told me.” She sighed. “Well, we did know the store wasn’t doing that well.”

“So that’s that,” said Hilda. “I suppose we’ll definitely be losing our jobs.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” said Evadne. “After all, our skills are needed in the music department.”

“But you must agree that it’s likely they’ll make the newer staff redundant first,” said Hilda. She sighed. “We are never going to get this money together.”

Evadne held up a hand.

“Let’s just get through today. We can think things through properly once we’re home.”

 

 

“Only 20 sales all day!” said Evadne as they exited the department after closing time.

“We should spread the word the place is in trouble,” said Hilda. “If people think it’s closing down, we’ll have customers flocking in, trying to get a bargain.”

She stopped by the lift. 

“Come on, let’s go and collect our things and get home.”

Evadne hesitated. “We shouldn’t really use the customers’ lift.”

Hilda rolled her eyes. “Evadne, we have both just had a stressful day. I am not walking down all those stairs, nor am I prepared to go down in the goods lift. Let’s just get to the ground floor, find the car and go home.”

Evadne sighed. “All right then.”

She pushed the button to call the lift.

After some minor clunking, it arrived from above and they got in.

Hilda pushed the button for the ground floor.

The lift lurched and began to move.

“Hang on…” Evadne frowned at Hilda. “This is going up again instead of down, isn’t it?”

“You’re quite right.” Hilda punched at the button for the ground floor but the lift continued to rise. “Oh, my..!” She looked at Evadne. “I should have known better than to use this wretched thing. It’s never worked properly.”

“Well, let’s not panic,” said Evadne, a little nervously. “At least it’s moving. We’ll just wait until it reaches the floor it thinks we wanted, then we’ll get out and use the stairs.”

“Yes…” said Hilda. She stared at the display. “The only thing is, dear… We’ve reached the top floor and it’s still going.”

There was another lurch and the lift came to a stop.

“Thank heavens for that!” said Evadne.

She pressed the button to open the door. It parted smoothly and they both quickly exited.

Hilda looked about.

“You know, I don’t recognise where we are at all.”

“It looks abandoned,” said Evadne. She frowned. “I assume this must be between the top floor and the roof garden. I wonder why they don’t use it any more.”

“Probably simply couldn’t afford to refurbish it,” said Hilda.

She grinned girlishly.

“Come on. Let’s explore.”

Evadne frowned at her. Then she held up her hands. “Oh, why not.”

They began making their way down a corridor, the odd storage box pushed against the wall here and there. The corridor ended at a set of double doors. Hilda pushed them open but it was pitch dark inside.

“Hang on…” Hilda fumbled about on the wall. “There!”

The lights came on.

Hilda stared. “Good heavens!”

“A _theatre.”_ Evadne gazed about. “An old disused theatre on top of Ahler’s. Just like Roger’s Miss Primrose said.” She looked at Hilda. “Who would have thought it..?”

They walked down the centre aisle and stood gazing up at the stage.

“I suppose they must have put on shows when the store first opened.” Hilda turned to Evadne. “I wonder why they stopped.”

Evadne was lost in thought. “What..? I imagine it wasn’t cost-effective.”

She looked properly at Hilda with a smile.

“At least, it wasn’t then. But I think I might have had an idea...”


	4. The famous Pirates of Penzance!

Mabel was reading in the living room when they arrived back.

She smiled at them. “You both look cheerful. Good day?”

“It looks like we’re in danger of being made redundant,” beamed Hilda, sinking into her chair.

Mabel frowned. “OK..?”

Evadne sat down next to Mabel on the settee. “But we’ve found out something rather exciting!”

“There’s a theatre!” said Hilda. “Right at the top of Ahler’s!”

“And we’re thinking we might be able to put on shows! Draw in more customers,” said Evadne. “Though it needs a bit more thought before we put it to the owners. We need to consider the money side.”

Mabel put aside her book. “Well, if it’s financial planning you need, I’m your woman. Tell me what you’re planning.”

“Right!” beamed Evadne.

 

 

Hilda, Evadne and Mabel waited together outside Mr. Kerridge’’s office.

“I’m not sure this was a good idea after all,” said Evadne. She shifted in her seat. “I mean, we have to get the theatre cleaned up. We have to find a cast! And isn’t it all a little tawdry? Using art to tempt people into spending money?” She stood up. “Perhaps we should just go.”

Hilda rolled her eyes. “Evadne, do sit down. I hardly think trying to attract a few more customers means we’re going to have to sacrifice all our principles. And with regard to your other worries…” She glanced at Mabel. “Well, we have the creative know-how and Mabel can discuss the financial side of things. Let’s give it a go at least.”

Evadne looked somewhat embarrassed. “Yes, of course.” She began to sit but immediately rose to her feet again as Mr. Kerridge put his head round the door.

“If you’d like to come through now,” he smiled. He disappeared again.

“Moment of truth, girls,” grinned Mabel.

 

 

Mr. Kerridge indicated the elderly gentleman seated behind the desk.

“This is the owner, Mr. Ahler,” he said.

He gestured towards the three ladies.

“This is Dame Hilda Bracket and Dr. Evadne Hinge, sir. And their associate, Miss Rivington.”

Mr. Kerridge himself took a seat to one side, while Hilda, Evadne and Mabel seated themselves in front of the desk.

“So,” said Mr. Ahler. “You want to reopen the theatre?”

“Yes,” said Evadne. She gestured widely. “We thought, a little glamour, a little culture to bring in more custom.”

“Free entertainment,” grinned Mabel. “And once they’re over the threshold you’ve got ‘em.”

Evadne gave her a hard look. Mabel smiled sweetly.

Mr. Ahler was looking doubtful. “But it would take money to set the theatre up again. It hasn’t been used in decades. It would have to be checked to see if it was safe, if nothing else.”

Hilda nodded. “But once those checks are out of the way, most of the clean-up work could be done by people you already employ. I’m sure you could take volunteers off the shop floors for a while. You wouldn’t be paying them any more money—they would just be working in a different area for a while.”

Mr. Ahler inclined his head. “But the most important question is: would this really encourage people to go and spend once they’ve seen the show? Wouldn’t people just be coming in for the free entertainment?”

“Ah, but this is the clever bit.” Mabel leant forward. “All the costumes, all the props will be taken from the store itself. The show will be like a living catalogue. People will fall in love with what they see—you can then direct people to where they can buy the items for themselves.”

“Yes…” Mr. Ahler looked thoughtful. “That might work…”

He leant forward too. “Tell me more.”

Mabel grinned and got out her figures.

 

 

Hilda, Evadne and Mabel solemnly exited Mr. Kerridge’s office.

They looked at one another.

Then huge smiles broke out on their faces.

“I can’t believe they liked the idea!” said Hilda, waving her hands and almost bouncing on the spot.

“They only said they’d consider it,” said Evadne. She smiled girlishly. “But isn’t it exciting?”

“Oh, they’re _hooked,”_ said Mabel with a wink. “Just you wait and see.”

 

 

Hilda came back from the front door of Utopia Limited waving the letter in excitement.

“They’ve said yes! They’ve said yes! They’ve said ye—”

Her face fell.

“Oh, my goodness—they’ve said yes.”

She sat down in her chair and looked at Evadne and Mabel.

“We’ve done it. We’re going to have to put a production on now. What are we going to do? What if we make a mess of it?”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “Do try and remain calm, Hilda. Remember us running the Rosa Charles Company at all?”

“You mean the bit when we were falsely arrested for theft?” said Hilda. Her breathing was speeding up. “I think I might just try putting my head between my legs.”

Evadne sighed. “There’ll be time for that later. For now, try and stay calm and let’s start planning this thing.”

“Are you all right, Hilda?” asked Mabel in some concern.

“Yes, of course.” With dignity, Hilda managed to regain control of her breathing.

“Excellent,” said Evadne. She looked at Hilda and Mabel. “Well now, the big thing to consider is what show we’re going to put on.”

“I would have thought that was obvious,” said Mabel. “You should put on Pirates.”

“When there’s a popular production already running in Bury St. Edmunds?” Hilda looked perplexed. “Isn’t that rather pointless, dear?”

“Not at all,” smiled Mabel. “That Pirates of Penzance is a big hit—everyone’s talking about it. But not everyone will be able to go to it. And meanwhile there’s a huge appetite for the show.”

“But we really can’t compare to that production!” said Hilda.

“You don’t have to,” said Mabel. “Yours is going to be free, remember? No-one will be expecting a professional performance—”

“Thank you very much,” muttered Evadne.

Mabel grinned at her. “So people are going to be pleasantly surprised when they actually see how good your version is. Everyone loves a bargain. The first audience will be tempted in by it being free but then word of mouth will spread.”

Evadne looked doubtful. “I don’t know. I feel rather uncomfortable riding on the success of another show. Couldn’t we just take advantage of the renewed appetite for Gilbert and Sullivan by doing the Mikado? Or HMS Pinafore?”

Mabel sighed. “You can go on and do these eventually if you wish. But Pirates is the hot show now. That’s what people want to see.”

Evadne and Hilda looked at each other. Hilda looked back at Mabel. “It just seems a bit… tacky.”

Mabel shrugged. “That’s business, Hilda. You can’t afford to be too ladylike.”

 

 

Hilda and Evadne put up posters about the audition for the show in Ahler’s staffroom, and held it in the music department after the store had closed. Mabel came along too.

“Gracious,” said Hilda watching as the hopefuls arrived. “I didn’t think there’d be this much immediate interest.”

Evadne looked up from arranging her music on the piano and sorting out the list of those who had asked to audition. “It is a splendid turn-out, doesn’t it? A lot of untapped talent.”

“Do you know any of them?” asked Mabel.

“Oh, yes,” said Hilda. “There are my ladies from the canteen…” She gave a wave. “...and there’s Dirk and Roger. And my modelling friends Carol, Debbie and Linda!”

“Now, then—let’s make a start. Who are we seeing for the Pirate King?” said Evadne, studying her list.

“Er, that’s me,” said Roger, stepping forward.

Evadne regarded him doubtfully. “For the Pirate King..?”

Roger nodded. “Yes.”

Evadne cleared her throat. “Roger, dear. I don’t wish to be personal but I’m not sure that you’re quite… physically suited to the role. Typically the role is played by someone taller.”

“Bulkier,” said Hilda.

“Hilda,” muttered Evadne.

Roger shifted awkwardly. “I would like to audition for the part though. If that’s all right.”

Evadne looked at her list again. She looked up again at Roger. “Well, yes, of course.”

Evadne leant closer to Hilda.

“We might as well hear him. We haven’t got anyone else interested at the moment.”

She looked at Roger.

“Hilda and I will play the rest of the pirates, just to give an idea of the full effect.”

She placed her hands on the piano keys and began.

She nodded to Roger, who took a deep breath, and let rip in a surprisingly deep voice.

_“Oh, better far to live and die  
Under the brave black flag I fly…”_

He abruptly pulled something out of his trousers and Debbie and Linda cheered.

“Good heavens… Where on earth was he hiding that cutlass..?” murmured Hilda to Mabel.

Mabel smiled and shrugged.

_“Than play a sanctimonious part,  
With a pirate head and a pirate heart...”_

Roger strode forward and struck a pose. He waggled his cutlass and the girls cheered again.

He began to run around the shop floor singing as he went.

_“...For I am a Pirate King!”_

_“You are!  
Hurrah for the Pirate King!”_ sang Hilda and Evadne, exchanging bemused looks.

_“And it is, it is a glorious thing  
To be a Pirate King.”_

Roger attacked a stand with his cutlass.

 _“It is!  
Hurrah for the Pirate King!”_ sang Hilda and Evadne. They were also starting to get some amused singing accompaniment from the waiting auditioners.

The stand tipped over and Roger went into the second verse.

_“When I sally forth to seek my prey  
I help myself in a royal way…”_

Roger dug into the sheet music, grabbed several sheets and threw them up into the air.

“Oh, dear…” said Hilda.

Roger went into a hornpipe.

_“...And it is, it is a glorious thing  
To be a Pirate King!”_

He turned to face the counter.

_“For I am a Pirate King!”_

Roger ran to the counter, swung himself up on it and stood up, making a dramatic pose.

 _“You are!  
Hurrah for the Pirate King!”_ sang everyone.

 _“And it is, it is a glorious thing  
To be a Pirate King,”_ finished Roger.

 _“It is!  
Hurrah for the Pirate King!”_ sang everyone else, wildly waving their arms.

Roger swished his cutlass through the air one last time, took a step backwards…

And disappeared.

Evadne played the final notes and took her hands off the keyboard.

In the following silence, Hilda stood and stared for a moment at the empty space Roger had left behind.

“It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?” she said.

Evadne nodded ruefully.

Hilda raised her cupped hand to her mouth and called over to where Roger lay hidden behind the counter. “That was rather jolly, Roger!”

She glanced at Evadne and giggled. _“Jolly Roger.”_

Evadne looked back at her blankly.

“Doesn’t matter,” said Hilda.

Evadne called over to Roger too. “You’ve got the part, dear!”

“Thank you!” came the weak reply.

Evadne consulted her list. “Now, I think we have Dirk interested in Frederic’s part.”

She looked up.

“Dirk, where are you?”

She located him bending over the counter.

“Oh, there you are.”

Dirk was addressing an unseen Roger. “Are you _sure_ you’re all right?”

“Yes, indeed,” said Roger’s voice. “I think I might have bent my sword though. I think I’ll just lie here until the throbbing stops.”

“Very wise,” said Hilda.

“Now, Dirk,” smiled Evadne. “If you would like to come over. We thought you could have a crack at _Stay, Frederic, stay!_ and _Ah, leave me not to pine._ Hilda will sing the part of Mabel.”

Dirk and Hilda stepped close together and they began. Mabel insisting the pirates had no claim on Frederic; Frederic nobly insisting he must fulfil his duty.

And then:

_“Ah, leave me not to pine  
Alone and desolate…”_

All eyes were on Hilda as she begged her lover not to go.

Dirk reached over and took Hilda’s hands in his.

_“Ah, must I leave thee here  
In endless night to dream…”_

There was a general sighing from their audience. Even Mabel appeared to be wiping away a tear.

Dirk and Hilda finished together:

_“...Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la, la-la.”_

The duet came to an end and there was a silence.

Evadne was the one to break it. “Oh, that was lovely,” she beamed. “Thank you, dear. We’ll definitely have you as Frederic.”

“Thank you,” said Dirk smiling. “I’d better get the Pirate King home but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“He really did sing wonderfully well,” smiled Evadne as she watched him go. She turned to Hilda. “You didn’t do too badly either.”

Hilda giggled. “I was rather good, wasn’t I?” She leant towards Evadne. “In fact—and I want you to be truthful with me, dear—do you think I could get away with playing Mabel?”

Evadne looked at Hilda for a long moment and she smiled. “No.”

Hilda scowled and looked away.

“Look,” said Evadne, “we have to put personal feelings aside. We want this to be a success, don’t we?”

“Well, yes.” Hilda still wasn’t making eye contact.

“Well, then,” said Evadne. “We have to make sure we get the right person for each role. What about you playing Ruth instead?”

“Yes” said Hilda. She sighed heavily. “I suppose so.”

“Now…” Evadne consulted her list. “We need someone for Samuel—the Pirate King’s right-hand man.”

“Ah, well,” said Hilda. “Janet would be perfect for that.”

“The Pirate King’s right-hand _man?”_ said Evadne. She looked over at Janet. “Is there something Janet hasn’t been telling me?”

Hilda rolled her eyes. “Do try not to be so conventional in your casting, dear. Janet would make a fine Samuel—you’d just have to adjust the arrangements a little. In fact…” She leant a little closer. “I’d like you to consider something quite unorthodox.”

“Oh, yes..?” said Evadne, hesitantly.

“The pirates being played by all the ladies from the canteen! We’ve been singing together and they’re marvellous!” smiled Hilda.

“Yes, but an all female band of pirates…” said Evadne.

“We could play the young maidens instead!” called Janet, with a cheeky grin on her face.

Evadne raised an eyebrow. “Fine! Let’s hear what you can do!” She glanced at Hilda. _“With cat-like tread?”_

“Lovely.”

Hilda turned to the canteen ladies and counted them in with her hand as Evadne began to play.

Hilda sang the first line with them and then dropped away to allow them to continue singing on their own.

Evadne nodded to herself as she played, occasionally glancing up.

They reached the end and the ladies watched Evadne anxiously for her decision.

“Well, I have to say that that was very good,” said Evadne. “Enthusiastic, in tune. And Janet’s solo was wonderful. I think I can work with that.”

“Hurrah!” called the ‘pirates’ in unison.

They looked at one another and fell about laughing.

Evadne rolled her eyes.

“So, who’s next..?”

Carol, Debbie and Linda came forward.

“We’d like to try for General Stanley’s daughters,” said Debbie.

“Wonderful!” smiled Evadne. “Well, let’s hear you with _Climbing over rocky mountain.”_

“I’ll take Edith, if that’s all right,” said Debbie.

“And I’ll try Kate,” said Linda.

They began and sang through, Debbie and Linda taking the solos and Carol joining in for the rest.

“That was excellent!” smiled Evadne at the end. “Do any of you want to try for Mabel?” She turned to Carol. “What about you, dear? Your voice is gorgeous—it really deserves to be heard.”

Carol smiled a little uncertainly. “I don’t really feel confident enough about performing solos in public yet. I could take Isabel’s lines though, if that would help.”

“That’s fair enough,” said Evadne. “I wouldn’t want to push you into it.” She looked at the other girls. “But wouldn’t one of you like to try for Mabel?”

Debbie shrugged. “I’d love to. But I’ve got to face it—I’m not quite strong enough when it comes to those very high notes.”

“Me too,” sighed Linda.

“Well, that’s a shame. But if you’re sure...” said Evadne. She furrowed her brow. “It is a pity though. And as well as finding a Mabel, we really need to find a few more daughters.”

“Oh, we can help with that at least,” said Debbie. “I’m sure we can convince more of the girls from the ladies’ department to take part.”

Hilda smiled. “That’s marvellous. Thank you, dear.”

“But that still leaves us worrying about Mabel,” said Evadne. “She’s the important one.”

“Kind of you to say so,” grinned Mabel, stepping forward.

Evadne gave her a mock glare. “Very witty.”

“But I can indeed help you there,” said Mabel. “I wondered if you might have difficulty casting Mabel and… Well, I arranged for someone to come along to audition.”

She went to the door. “You can come in now.”

“Solomon!” Hilda stared at the young man coming sheepishly onto the shop floor.

“And Gilbert too, apparently,” said Evadne, watching him follow in Solomon’s wake.

She looked at Mabel. “Just what is going on?”

“Look,” said Mabel, “the two of them owe you a favour. Gilbert can help out on the orchestral side. And well…” She shrugged a little. “You already know that Solomon has a strong soprano voice.”

Solomon smiled at Evadne and Hilda cautiously. “It’s strictly speaking a falsetto. But I can give it a rounded sound which mimics—”

Evadne held up a hand.

“Before we get into a full technical discussion…”

She turned to Hilda.

“Are you happy to have them taking part? After all, you were the one who had liberties taken with her wardrobe.”

Solomon glanced at Mabel, who gave him an encouraging smile. He turned back to Hilda. “Why don’t I audition? And then you can make your mind up.”

Hilda held up her hands. “Very well! Let’s see what you can do.”

Evadne made to sit down at the piano but Gilbert cleared his throat. “Maybe it could be my audition too?”

“That might be a very good idea,” said Evadne.

She moved away and allowed Gilbert to sit down. Then she counted him in and Gilbert began to play.

Solomon came in with Mabel’s lyrics.

_“Poor wandering one…”_

Hilda and Evadne listened attentively, and as the song progressed, more and more approving expressions passed between them.

Gilbert and Solomon reached the end, and Solomon turned to look hopefully at Hilda and Evadne.

One final look passed between the two of them and Hilda nodded. “You know what. I think you’ll both do.”

Gilbert gave a small smile and Solomon beamed.

Evadne smiled too. “So that just leaves the Sergeant and the police.” She considered her list and frowned. “It appears the store detectives as a whole have asked to audition for the parts.”

Evadne looked up at Hilda.

“Store detectives? Does Ahler’s actually have any? I’ve never met any of them. I’ve certainly never _seen_ any of them.”

“Well, you wouldn’t have done, Dr. Hinge…”

A woman in heavy makeup, dark glasses, and what looked suspiciously like a wig, stepped forward out of seemingly nowhere.

“I’m Ms. Ex and these are my colleagues…”

“Gracious!” said Hilda as several shadowy figures detached themselves from the background and slowly appeared.

Ms. Ex smiled. “We are all _very_ good at our jobs.”

Evadne smiled weakly. “Well, let’s hear what you can do…” She raised an eyebrow. “Shall I take the role of Sergeant for the moment? And we can hear what you sound like as a chorus.”

She began to play.

_“When a felon’s not engaged in his employment…”_

_“His employment…”_ sang the store detectives.

Evadne nodded to herself approvingly, and they went on through the rest of the song.

“Well!” she said, when they reached the conclusion. “That was splendid!”

Evadne looked about at the store detectives.

“So who wants to try out for the Sergeant..?”

Suddenly the store detectives became shadowy again, their faces unclear.

“Er…” said Evadne.

“Oh, none of us can take a starring role,” said Ms. Ex. “Being in the chorus is fine but it would adversely affect our work if any of us were to be put in the spotlight.”

Her shadowy colleagues all nodded silently, and Hilda took an involuntary step closer to Mabel.

Evadne smiled weakly.

“Well, that’s fine.” She glanced at Hilda. “So who are we going to get to take the role then?”

“What about you?” asked Mabel. “You’ve just shown us you can sing the part.”

“Oh, now,” said Evadne. “I’m really not sure…”

“But it’s the perfect solution, dear,” beamed Hilda. “Well, we all know you’re no stranger to taking men’s parts.”

Evadne gave her a severe look.

“And the sergeant doesn’t appear until the second act,” said Hilda. “So you can play for the first half if you want, and then let Gilbert take over the orchestra side of things for the second.”

“Yes, that would work out rather well,” mused Evadne. She sighed. “All right, I’ll do it.”

 

 

“I’m back, dear!” called Hilda a couple of days later.

“Where have you been?” asked Evadne, looking up from her notes on her Pirates score.

Hilda smiled. “I’ve been at the youth centre.”

Evadne looked at her.

“Hilda, you really are going to have to accept there’s only so much makeup can do.”

Hilda rolled her eyes. “Thank you, dear. I did in fact go to speak to the Love Section.”

“Again, there’s only so much makeup can do,” said Evadne, studying her score again. “What happened? Did they manage to find you a match?”

“Will you please be serious, Evadne!”

Hilda came and sat down.

“I had a word with young Paul. He and the others said they would be willing to put together a tape for us for Pirates. To augment our sound.”

“For the whole of the opera?” Evadne looked up doubtfully. “That’s very kind of them but it’s an awful lot of work. And we can’t pay them.”

“But it won’t just be them,” said Hilda. “They’re going to use it as a project for their college music course, and they think they can get other students interested. I’ve told them they’ll all be credited. Might give their group a boost, and it’ll be something to put on their application forms for university.”

“Well, as long as we’re not taking advantage...” Evadne smiled. “It’s very kind of them and I think it sounds like a marvellous idea.”

 

 

“...and so that’s the ‘orchestra’ sorted out,” said Evadne.

Dirk briefly turned to smile at their first customer of the day.

“Do you need any help. madam?”

The customer smiled and shook her head, and Dirk returned his attention to Evadne. He looked thoughtful. “So is that everything? Oh, no—there’s—”

“The Major-General. ” Evadne nodded. “I did think that might be a difficult one to cast. I mean that patter song is tricky.”

More customers were drifting in, and Evadne smiled at Dirk.

“But I’d better worry about that later. Time for work.”

Mr. Girdwood was already approaching a customer.

“Can I help you, sir?” asked Mr. Girdwood.

The customer looked a little befuddled. “I’m not sure…” He began rummaging in his pockets again. “My wife wrote it down for me.” He looked up and smiled awkwardly. “Well, she’s the handy one around the house, you know. I just do the heavy lifting.”

He rummaged a little more desperately.

“Now where can I have put it?”

He looked up at Mr. Girdwood.

“I know it was something from the electrical section.”

Mr. Girdwood sighed. “That doesn’t really help much, sir.”

“No…” said the customer. “Tell you what—could you list what’s in your stock? It might jog my memory a bit.”

“List… the stock?” said Mr. Girdwood.

The customer nodded cheerfully. “Yes, please.”

Mr. Girdwood held up in his hands in resignation.

“Well… we have the latest models of the modern brands in general  
I’ve information over them that’s usefully perennial  
We have for instance cookers, toasters, kettles—there are several  
We guarantee they will not fail—my dear sir, they never’ll.  
We’ve power tools for you to buy or you can choose to rent ‘em all  
and there’s timers for the kind of heating that is cent-e-ral  
And we’ve sockets for the wall that come in thick and also come in slim  
And also stock, quite naturally, the objects that you stick in th’m.”

The customer looked bewildered. “And also stock, quite naturally, the objects that you stick in th’m..?”

Mr. Girdwood took a deep breath and continued on.

“I’m an expert in these subjects— I know my stock through and through  
What your partner needs, we can send it home with you  
In short, in matters DIY, hardware and electrical  
we have the latest models of the modern brands in general.”

Mr. Girdwood smiled at the customer. The customer stared at Mr. Girdwood.

Dirk observed the scene a little anxiously. “I think I’d better go and rescue our poor customer before he has a complete nervous breakdown.”

But Evadne was beaming. “Dirk, I think we may have found our Major-General.”

 

 

At the first rehearsal Mr. Girdwood looked around the empty floor of the music department nervously. “Are you sure you want me for this? I’ve never really sung in public before.”

“I have every confidence in you, Mr. Girdwood,” said Evadne firmly. “Now, I won’t throw you in at the deep end. Before the others get here I thought we could start with a run-through of _Oh, men of dark and dismal fate…”_

“Right.”

Mr. Girdwood looked uncertainly at his sheet music, and he and Evadne made their way cautiously through the piece.

Evadne nodded in satisfaction at the end. “Not bad at all for a first go. Thank you, Mr. Girdwood.”

Hilda entered at that point. “Dirk and Roger are here.”

The two of them appeared behind her.

“Excellent!” said Evadne.

She smiled at Mr. Girdwood. “Perhaps you wouldn’t mind going and having a read through your part, just for the moment?”

“Of course, Evadne.” Mr. Girdwood made his way over to the side of the floor and stood frowning down at his script.

Evadne addressed Hilda, Dirk and Roger.

“I thought you all could have a go at the scene in act two in which the Pirate King and Ruth tell poor Frederic about the paradox surrounding his age.”

They nodded, and with accompaniment from Evadne, the three of them sang through _When you had left our pirate fold_ and _Away, away! my heart’s on fire,_ and then ran through their spoken lines for the scene.

Evadne nodded approvingly. “A very promising start.”

Solomon then arrived, swiftly followed by Carol, Debbie, Linda and several other cheerful young ladies.

Hilda and Roger went for a sit-down and Solomon went to do some warm-up exercises while General Stanley’s daughters sang _Oh, is there not one maiden breast_ with Dirk.

Then Solomon returned, and he and his ‘sisters’ ran through _Poor wandering one!_

Janet, Irene and the rest of the pirates arrived right on schedule, and they and Roger had a go at _With cat-like tread._

Evadne was beaming at this point. “It’s all going splendidly. Thank you for your hard work so far.”

She consulted her notes.

“Right. Well, I think the rest of you can go now but perhaps Roger could stay, and he and Mr. Girdwood could run through their lines together for when General Stanley and the Pirate King first meet on the beach.”

Roger nodded. “That’s fine with me.”

Dirk gave him a smile and a wave and made to go.

Mr. Girdwood was frowning. “But doesn’t Roger need to go too? I wouldn’t want to keep him. It doesn’t make sense the two of you having to travel home separately.”

“No, we’re… That is, we live in separate places.” Roger smiled awkwardly. “Why did you think we lived together?”

“Well, you’re a couple, aren’t you..?” said Mr. Girdwood. He paused at Roger’s expression. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make assumptions.”

Roger waved a hand. “No, that’s fine. You’re… well, you know…”

Dirk sighed and came forward. “What Roger means is you’re quite right.” He looked at Mr. Girdwood curiously. “I thought you might mind.”

Mr. Girdwood looked puzzled. “Why would I? It takes all kinds to make a world.” He turned to Hilda. “My sister married a chartered accountant.”

Hilda raised her eyebrows high. “Good heavens.”

 

 

Eventually Evadne was satisfied and she allowed Mr. Girdwood and Roger to go.

Hilda waved them goodbye and turned back to Evadne at the piano.

“So there’s just our police to worry about now. They asked to go last as they had to have a staff meeting tonight as well.”

Evadne checked her watch. “Surely that can’t still be going on. I wonder where they can be.”

Hilda tapped her fingers against the piano. “I say we give them five more minutes and then we go.”

“Sorry we’re late.”

Hilda jumped. She put her hand on her heart, breathing fast. “Dear heavens!”

Ms. Ex stepped forward looking somewhat apologetic. “Sorry. Sneaking around and blending into the background becomes second nature after a while.”

“Well, now you are all here,” said Evadne. “Perhaps we could run through _When the foeman bares his steel.”_

“Maybe we should have a go at _When a felon’s not engaged in his employment_ as well,” said Hilda. She hesitated. “And I suppose we should start thinking about some dance steps to go with the two songs.”

Evadne looked aghast. “Hilda, you know I can’t dance.”

“Nothing complicated,” said Hilda. “And we’ll let the store detectives take the strain—they all seem very light on their feet.” She looked around. “Where on earth have they gone again?”

“Here, Dame Hilda!” called Ms. Ex from the other end of the hall.

Hilda and Evadne exchanged a significant look.


	5. Let us gaily tread the measure…

After a month of rehearsals, they were finally ready and their opening ‘night’ was arranged for a Saturday afternoon.

Hilda bustled around in the tiny and crowded changing room, giving Ellie a little last minute extra help with the costumes.

“You really know what you’re doing in this department,” said Solomon, admiring himself in the mirror as Hilda adjusted the neckline of his frock.

“Well,” said Evadne, looking on. “Neither of us is entirely unfamiliar with men wearing women’s clothing, you know.”

“Really?” Solomon raised an eyebrow.

“We have been connected with the theatre for most of our lives, dear.” Hilda made the final adjustments and stepped away. “There! You’re all ready for curtain up.”

Evadne glanced at the clock on the wall. “Which won’t be long now.” She looked at Hilda a little anxiously. “Are you _sure_ we’re doing the right thing?”

“It’s a little late to change our minds now,” said Hilda. “The audience is ready and waiting.”

“But using the show as advertising…” Evadne gestured vaguely.

“Well, I thought Mabel’s suggestions were quite witty,” said Hilda.

Evadne sighed. “I just hope our reputations survive this.”

“Think of the septic tank, dear!” said Hilda. “A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do.”

Evadne furrowed her brow. “Yes…”

Hilda looked around at the cast.

“Right. Time to take your places, everyone!”

She smiled at Evadne. “Break a leg, dear.”

“Knowing our luck,” said Evadne darkly, “that’s more than likely.”

She made her way out to the front of the stage and to a smattering of applause took her place at the synthesiser brought up from the music department.

Gilbert and Mabel were already waiting there—Gilbert with a violin and Mabel in charge of the tape machine. Gilbert gave her a shy smile; Mabel’s was somewhat more wicked. And from behind the curtains there was the faint sound of the pirates taking their places on stage.

Evadne sighed and gestured at Mabel, who flamboyantly pressed play on the tape recorder. And as the combined talents of Stackton’s Arts College sprang into life, Evadne nodded at Gilbert and they went into the overture.

As they drew to the end, the curtain opened to polite applause. And onstage, amongst what looked vaguely like a rocky seashore, the pirates began singing _Pour, oh, pour the pirate sherry._

They enthusiastically waved around a great variety of glasses from the glassware section and Janet pretended to pour out the sherry from a rather attractive decanter. Dotted here and there were bottles from the wine and spirits section.

There were also several Happy 21st Birthday cards clipped to a diagonal string, suggesting maritime signal flags. And suspiciously light boxes wrapped in gift paper, which Janet picked up and shook as she sang: _”Two and twenty, now he’s rising, And alone he’s fit to fly…”_

Evadne rolled her eyes.

Dirk, as Frederic, came forward and announced to the Pirate King he was leaving—forever! And then Hilda as Ruth explained the mix up when Frederic was apprenticed—to a pirate instead of a pilot.

During her song _When Frederic was a little lad he proved so brave and daring_ Hilda held up various items of clothes and accoutrements from the baby and children’s department.

Evadne furrowed her brow. “Would Ruth really have kept all these?” she whispered to Mabel. “And why did she bring his baby clothes with her? He was apprenticed at the age of eight.”

Mabel grinned. “Artistic licence.”

“I wouldn’t call it artistic…” muttered Evadne.

The action moved on to the Pirate King’s song.

During the course of it, Roger showed off a dazzling display of plunder: watches, rings, necklaces, bracelets. There was a heartstopping moment when his tiara got caught in the backdrop but otherwise the song and its accompanying dance routine went exceedingly well.

Then General Stanley’s daughters came on in Ellie’s well chosen outfits—a perfect balance between modern and Victorian, and carrying bucket, spades and parasols from the summer collection. And there was one other accessory item.

_“Sunglasses?”_

Evadne raised her eyebrows at Mabel. Mabel shrugged apologetically.

 _“Oh, is there not one maiden here,”_ sang Dirk,  
_Whose homely face and bad complexion_  
Have caused all hope to disappear  
Of ever winning man’s affection?”

Dirk tentatively raised a selection of products from the makeup counter, and Evadne put her head down, attempting to make herself as small as possible.

 _“Poor wandering one!”_ sang Solomon,  
_Though thou hast surely strayed,_  
_Take heart of grace,_  
 _Thy steps retrace…”_

While he sang, Mabel’s sisters fanned themselves with A-Z’s and maps.

Evadne whimpered.

They reached the ensemble piece for the pirates and General Stanley’s daughters.

 _“Here’s a first-rate opportunity_  
_To get married with impunity,_  
 _And indulge in the felicity_  
 _Of unbounded domesticity.”_

As the pirates sang they pulled out wedding dresses and bouquets from treasure chests and whirled them around. Evadne nodded approvingly. It had to be said that this aspect was rather visually effective.

And during Mr. Girdwood’s patter song a rapid procession of groceries, pet accessories, books, records, tapes and sport equipment passed over the stage, as the lines: _animal, vegetable and mineral; I quote the fights historical; Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore_ and _When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin_ were sung.

Items were passed rapidly from pirate to pirate until they were almost juggling them and then suddenly Janet _was_ juggling them.

There were oohs and aahs from the audience.

“Woman of many talents,” whispered Mabel admiringly.

Evadne smiled weakly.

 

 

Eventually the first act came to an end with riotous applause.

Evadne put her head in her hands. Mabel patted her on the shoulder.

 

 

Leaving Gilbert in charge of the music, Evadne made her way to the dressing room to get changed.

“It’s going splendidly, isn’t it?” said Hilda cheerfully as she retouched her makeup.

“Well, if you say so,” said Evadne mournfully examining her reflection and making adjustments to her sergeant’s costume.

Hilda frowned. “Do stop fiddling with your helmet, Evadne. It’s a terrible habit.”

“Well, I’m nervous,” said Evadne. She sighed. “Gilbert and Sullivan must be turning in their graves.”

“It will be fine,” said Hilda firmly. “Believe me, dear. It’s all going _very_ well.”

 

 

Act two began with the Major-General’s daughters singing to him by moonlight in the Stanleys’ ruined chapel.

And as the girls surrounded him with selections from the bedding department: blankets, duvets and pillows, Evadne waited in the wings, preparing for her entrance.

She kept glancing anxiously behind her but there was no sign of the rest of the constabulary.

“Where on earth are they?” she muttered to herself.

“Here...” Ms. Ex and her colleagues melted out of the shadows and lined up.

Evadne shuddered. “Will you _please_ stop doing that?”

But Dirk had given them their cue and so Evadne concentrated on striding onto the stage, her constables following on behind.

_“When the foeman bares his steel,  
Tarantara! tarantara..!”_

Hilda was watching with Roger from the other side of the stage.

 _“Like the trumpet’s martial sound. Tarantara! tarantara!”_ she sang quietly to herself. She turned to Roger. “It was an interesting thought of Mabel’s having them carrying _actual_ instruments.”

She paused.

“I’m not sure maracas were the right choice though.”

“No…” said Roger, flinching slightly.

 

 

At the appropriate moment, Hilda and Roger came back onstage to sing with Dirk, and then left him to sing his duet with Solomon.

Hilda and Evadne stood together in the wings, watching as they sang _Ah, leave me not to pine._

The two ladies smiled at each other and both wiped away a tear.

Then it was time for the police to make their entrance again. They got a huge round of applause for _When a felon’s not engaged in his employment._

The pirates returned and there was much applause and laughter for _With cat-like tread._

And so they reached the final big fight and the happy ending for everyone concerned.

Solomon stepped forward to sing the reprise of _Poor Wandering One_ on his own. Then the rest of the company came to join him.

“Right, boys and girls,” whispered Hilda. “Here we go into the final verse.”

They all took a deep breath and sang together:

 _“Poor wandering ones!_  
_Now you have seen our parade_  
 _The goods in their place_  
 _So your steps retrace,_  
 _Have a wander around..!_  
 _Poor wandering ones!_  
 _If customer service as ours_  
 _Can help you find_  
 _Perfection defined..._  
 _Why, take it… it is… yours!”_

The last notes died away, the cast held their arms up triumphantly, and as one the audience got to their feet.

And turned and hurried for the exits.

“Well,” said Hilda, dropping her arms, “that wasn’t _quite_ the reaction I was hoping for.”

 

 

Just after they had all finished changing, there was a knocking at the changing room door.

“Come in!” called Hilda.

Ellie put her head round the door and beamed. “Just come and see what’s happening in the store!”

She disappeared again.

Hilda and Evadne looked at each other. And quickly hurried after Ellie.

The hustle and bustle was immediately apparent as they got down to the second floor. The hardware department was full of people.

“Good heavens,” said Evadne. She stared through the window in the door. “And they’re not just looking, Hilda—there’s a huge queue at the till.”

She turned to look at Hilda. “It really worked.”

“Yes!” Hilda waved her hands in excitement. “Isn’t it marvellous?”

 

 

They made their way quickly to the music department.

“Gracious,” said Hilda. “It’s even busier than the hardware department. We’d better get onto the floor.”

They hurried over the threshold, and were immediately surrounded by members of the audience.

“Could I have your autographs?” called one young woman, waving a piece of paper.

“Me too!” said a middle-aged man.

There was general chorus of demands for autographs.

“Gracious,” said Hilda.

Evadne smiled and gave a little shrug. “Best give our public what they want!”

As they did their best to write something for everyone, Mr. Hiskett came over.

He was beaming.

“I can tell you one thing, ladies—we’ve completely sold out of sheet music for all of the Gilbert and Sullivan operas.”

“Dame Hilda..?” It was a young man at the back of the throng. “Won’t you sing something else for us?”

Hilda looked at Mr. Hiskett, who nodded enthusiastically.

Hilda giggled and she and Evadne made their way over to the piano.

“Well, what should I sing?” called Hilda.

There was immediately a jumble of suggestions.

Hilda giggled again. “I think this might take some time, Evadne.”

 

 

The show continued—one performance every other afternoon. After a week Solomon and Gilbert left to resume work on their own careers, but Carol felt brave enough to attempt Mabel and Mr. Hiskett took over Gilbert’s duties in the tiny orchestra.

The audiences grew and grew, and so, happily, did the store’s takings.

 

 

Hilda and Evadne were having a well-earned day-off.

“So how are we doing?”

Hilda put down her novel and came over to Evadne at her desk. She watched as her friend finished her calculations.

Evadne laid down her pen. “Oh.” She stared at the paper in front of her.

“What is it, dear?” Hilda regarded the piece of paper worriedly. “Is it bad news?”

“No, just the opposite.” Evadne looked up at Hilda but she still wasn’t smiling. “We’ve got enough money now to get the septic tank replaced.”

“Oh.” Hilda attempted a smile. “Well, that’s good news, of course…”

“But you’re going to miss Ahler’s.” Evadne nodded. “Yes, I know. We put our hearts and souls into the place.”

Hilda gave a little shrug. “I suppose we could carry on. Just for a while. I mean we’re needed as Ruth and the Sergeant, aren’t we?”

Evadne shook her head. “I’m sure one of the pirates would like to try Ruth. And someone, somewhere in the store can be found for the Sergeant.” She sighed. “You know as well as I do, Hilda, that the magic will have gone now. We’ve reached our target and our part is over. And maybe now Roger and Dirk will get their chance in the music department.”

 

 

Mr. Hiskett looked up from the two neatly written resignation letters.

“Are you sure you won’t stay?” he said. “You’ve been such a credit to the department.”

“Well,” said Hilda, “I must admit I’m going to miss the place: the shows, the customers…”

“And I’ve become quite attached to that piano,” said Evadne.

Smiling, she turned in its direction. And then furrowed her brow when she saw only an empty space.

“Oh, it’s gone,” said Mr. Hiskett. “I sold it yesterday. It was delivered to its new owner this morning.”

Evadne sighed.

Then she looked over at Hilda.

“Definitely time for us to move on as well then.”

“Yes, that’s our cue to go, dear,” said Hilda. “We’ve done our bit.”

Evadne smiled. “And I think we can recommend a couple of assistants to take our place.”

 

 

“I still can’t believe it’s all over and done with! Our new septic tank and soakaway all installed.”

Evadne touched her hands to her cheeks and smiled to herself.

“It’s like some wonderful dream…”

Hilda came in from the kitchen, carrying a plate of delicately cut sandwiches. “You do have some peculiar dreams I have to say, Evadne.”

Evadne sighed. “You know what I mean. It’s so lovely to be rid of the anxiety.”

“I was only teasing, dear,” said Hilda. “I feel exactly the same way.” She put the plate down on the table with the rest of the food and drink. “And now we’re going to have a lovely party to celebrate everything, with all our Pirates friends.”

“And Mr. Spencer too of course,” said Evadne. “That man and his company went beyond the call of duty in sorting out the new septic tank.”

“It’ll be nice to see Mabel again as well,” smiled Hilda.

Evadne rolled her eyes. “She’s only been gone a week.”

The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” said Evadne.

She went to answer the door and was soon back with the first three guests.

“Mabel!” said Hilda in delight. “And Gilbert and Solomon too! I’m so pleased you were all able to come.”

“Had to be here for the finale,” grinned Mabel.

“And we managed to rearrange a few things in order to attend,” said Solomon.

Mabel smiled at them affectionately and looked at Hilda. “They’re doing really well. Gathering quite a fanbase now.”

Gilbert smiled awkwardly. “You don’t still mind, do you? That we based our act on you?”

“Of course not,” said Hilda. “As long as you buy your own dresses instead of wearing _mine_ —then I’m happy.”

Solomon grinned at her. “Well, would you and Evadne like to come and see one of our shows? Our treat of course.”

Hilda and Evadne exchanged a look, and Hilda smiled at Gilbert and Solomon. “That would be lovely. Thank you.”

“Now, come on!” said Evadne. “Help yourselves to the buffet! And let me give you some of my special punch.”

She gestured at a murky liquid that was contained in a rectangular glass receptacle.

Mabel, Solomon and Gilbert looked rather warily at it but politely accepted the glasses that Evadne filled for them.

The doorbell rang again, and Hilda went to answer it.

She arrived back with Roger and Dirk.

“Hello!” said Evadne, beaming at them. “You travelled in together, then?”

“Oh, yes,” said Roger a little diffidently.

“I’ve finally convinced Roger to move in with me,” said Dirk.

“How lovely for you both,” smiled Hilda.

Roger smiled awkwardly and turned to Evadne. “What interesting looking punch. Would it be forward to ask for a glass?”

“Of course not,” said Evadne. “I would be delighted if you tried it. I made it myself, you know.”

Roger took a sip, and then paused with a curious expression on his face. Dirk gave him a worried look.

Roger gave Evadne a quick smile. “It’s most… unusual,” he said hoarsely.

“Thank you, dear,” smiled Evadne.

Roger looked a little closer at the receptacle holding the punch. “Is that… a goldfish tank?”

Evadne beamed. “Yes! I thought it was appropriate for our theme, as this is a party for the celebration of our new septic tank.”

Roger smiled weakly. “It’s certainly a novel idea.”

Evadne turned to Hilda. “And of course I will be donating the fish tank to your goldfish afterwards. He could do with something a bit larger after all these years.”

“Well, I hope you scrub it out thoroughly before giving it to Sandy,” said Hilda. “I would hate there to be any alcohol left. You may drink like a fish but Sandy doesn’t.”

Evadne furrowed her brow. “No, that’s… No.”

She turned to Roger.

“Would you like another glass, dear?”

“Er. Well.” Roger looked down at his empty glass and up at Evadne. “I’m not sure I should…”

Dirk quickly broke in, smiling at Evadne.

“We both really ought to keep clear heads. We’re planning the next production now—thinking of doing the Mikado. And we want to work a bit on it tonight.”

“Oh, I say!” said Hilda. “How splendid!”

“And how handy for you both that you’re sharing a place now,” smiled Evadne. “Like Hilda and I.” She laughed. “Though I suppose you don’t have the luxury of being able to sleep at opposite ends of the house.”

“No, we don’t,” said Dirk, grinning at Roger.

Roger was blushing and quickly turned to Evadne. “You know, I think I might just have another small glass, after all.”

“Oh, lovely!” said Evadne, and ladled out a generous measure.

 

 

The rest of the guests soon arrived: Mr. Girdwood, the canteen ladies, Ellie, Carol, Linda, Debbie and the other girls from the ladies wear department, Mr. Spencer and the Love Section too.

“Is everyone here now?” asked Evadne, looking around at their party in full swing.

“Yes…” said Hilda. “No, wait a minute—we’ve had no representatives from the store detectives. That’s a shame.”

“Good evening, Dame Hilda.”

Hilda screamed as Miss Ex materialised in front of her.

She managed to pull herself together. “Will you please stop doing that, Ms. Ex! You’re going to give me a heart attack.”

Evadne looked around cautiously. “So, where…”

She glanced under the table.

“...exactly…”

She glanced behind the settee.

“...are the others?”

“Couldn’t make it I’m afraid,” said Ms. Ex. “But I thought I’d come and just show my face.”

“Yes…” said Hilda, contemplating Miss Ex’s wig, dark glasses and heavy makeup. “Anyway, the buffet is over there.”

“Do feel free to help yourself,” said Evadne.

Hilda and Evadne turned together to indicate the table, and when they turned back Miss Ex was gone.

Evadne shuddered. “I’m never going to get used to that.”

 

 

Evadne went over to see how the Love Section were doing.

“More lemonade, boys?”

“We’re fine, Dr. Hinge,” smiled Paul. He glanced over at where Ellie, Carol, Debbie and Linda were carefully making their way through glasses of punch. “But… couldn’t we have a proper drink? I mean, me and Martin are 17 and Ray’s almost that. And it’s not like this is a pub.”

Evadne smiled at them. “Now come on, boys. You know your parents wouldn’t be happy if I gave you alcohol.”

Ellie gave a final wince and lowered her empty glass. “Actually, Evadne—it does look like delicious lemonade. I wouldn’t mind switching to it and leaving more of the punch for the others…”

“Oh, me too!” said Debbie quickly.

“And me!” said Linda.

Carol nodded vigorously.

Evadne smiled. “That’s very generous of you all. But I’m afraid I only got enough lemonade for the boys.” She gestured at the tank on the table. “And there really is plenty of punch left! Do drink up!”

Ellie smiled weakly. “Lovely.”

 

 

Over on the other side of the room, Mr. Spencer took a sip of the punch and pulled a face.

He rolled his eyes at Mr. Girdwood. “Must admit it does seem like an appropriate idea for a septic tank party. Having a drink that tastes like disinfectant.”

“Er…” said Mr. Girdwood.

Mr. Spencer jumped as he realised Hilda was standing just behind him He smiled weakly.

“I must apologise, Dame Hilda. I didn’t mean to—”

Hilda held up a hand.

“You needn’t apologise, Mr. Spencer. In fact…”

Hilda discreetly jerked her head in the direction of the kitchen and Mr. Spencer’s eyes widened.

“I think…” said Hilda. She smiled coquettishly. “...I just might have something that’ll make you feel a little better…”

And she sashayed away towards the kitchen.

Mr. Spencer turned to Mr. Girdwood with his mouth hanging open in shock.

And then he turned and hurried after Hilda.

They were both back about five minutes later, Mr. Spencer with a broad smile on his face and Hilda demurely smoothing down her dress.

Mr. Spencer hurried over to Mr. Girdwood and whispered in his ear.

Mr. Girdwood pulled away and stared at him. “Good heavens!”

Mr. Spencer nodded vigorously.

“Well, I never…” Mr. Girdwood looked cautiously to left and right, and then began making his way discreetly over to Hilda.

Hilda raised her eyebrows, and Mr. Girdwood leant closer.

“I hope you don’t think I’m being forward, Dame Hilda, but Mr. Spencer said you might possibly…”

He stopped and looked left and right again.

He leant back in.

“...have a supply of soft drinks.”

Hilda winked slowly and beckoned to him to follow her into the kitchen.

 

 

Once in, she quickly crossed to one of the upper cupboards and opened it.

“I have cranberry juice, orange squash, blackcurrant cordial and, if you’re feeling bold…” She craned her neck towards the living room, and then looked back at Mr. Girdwood. “...Lucozade.”

“I’ll have the blackcurrant cordial, if you don’t mind, Dame Hilda,” whispered Mr. Girdwood.

Hilda prepared a glass and Mr. Girdwood drained it gratefully. “Oh, that’s the stuff.” He smiled apologetically at Hilda. “I don’t mean to disparage the Doctor’s concoction but...”

“It is an acquired taste,” said Hilda nodding.

“How long did it take you to acquire it?” asked Mr. Girdwood.

“Well, I’ve been trying for the past 40 years,” said Hilda. “I’m sure it won’t be long now.”

Janet and Irene abruptly put their heads round the door.

“Your friend Mr. Spencer said you’ve got soft drinks!” Janet whispered urgently.

“That’s right, dear,” whispered back Hilda. “Come on in!”

Janet and Irene entered.

Followed by Mabel and all the other guests.

“You can’t all come in!” cried Hilda. “I’m pretty certain Evadne’s going to notice, don’t you think?”

“It’s all right,” grinned Mabel. “At my request, she’s gone upstairs to fish out a few mementos of your time on the stage. She’s going to be a while.”

Hilda shook her head. “Well, come on then. But you’ve all got to be quick!”

 

 

Hilda had just finished serving everyone with a refreshing drink, when she heard footsteps across the living room floor.

“Hilda? Mabel?”

“Oh, great heavens!”

Hilda tried to snatch the drinks off as many people as possible and empty them into the sink. In the end she gave up.

“Hide them! Hide them!”

Everyone shoved their drinks behind their backs, just as Evadne entered the kitchen.

She stood for a moment, gazing about in bemusement. “Why are you all in here?”

Then she stared at Hilda.

“Is that… a bottle of orange squash?”

Hilda stared down in bewilderment, and did a doubletake at what she was clutching. “Oh, for heaven’s sake—”

She attempted to tuck the bottle under her cardigan.

“I don’t think so, dear.”

“It is! And—” Evadne’s eyes widened, and she marched over to the counter and picked up another bottle. “—there’s blackcurrant cordial. And Lucozade!”

She looked around at everyone trying to casually hide their glasses.

Evadne locked eyes with Hilda.

“How could you!”

Hilda shrugged in embarrassment. “It’s always best to balance alcoholic drinks with soft drinks I believe. Keep yourself hydrated.”

“Oh, yes,” said Solomon not quite making eye contact. “That’s quite right.”

“Yes, indeed,” said Mabel.

There was a chorus of ‘yes’s and nodding of heads from the others.

“Right,” said Evadne.

She turned and left the kitchen.

Hilda sighed. She put the squash bottle down and hurried after her. “Evadne, it is no reflection on your—”

She halted and watched as Evadne lifted the tank up off the table.

“—punch.” Hilda cautiously took a step backwards. There was a dangerous gleam in Evadne’s eye.

“Now, dear,” said Hilda. “Let’s not be hasty.”

Evadne moved forwards, and the contents of the tank sloshed.

Hilda moved backwards a little towards the kitchen.

Evadne moved forwards again.

And so they made their slow way back towards the kitchen, Evadne moving inexorably forwards, Hilda stepping cautiously backwards.

There was gasping from their guests as Evadne herded Hilda through the crowd and towards the kitchen door.

“Hilda!” called Mabel anxiously.

“Remember me fondly and toast me with a glass of cordial when I’m gone!” called back Hilda.

Evadne rolled her eyes.

“Come on! Open the door!”

Hilda fumbled the door open, and tumbled out backwards onto the patio. Evadne followed her.

Hilda stood stock still and closed her eyes. She tensed.

“Right, just get it over with then.”

Evadne sighed heavily.

“For heaven’s sake, Hilda. I’m not going to throw the punch over you.”

Hilda opened one eye. “Aren’t you?”

“No,” said Evadne. “I’ve got other plans for it. Come on.”

She set off carefully across the lawn.

Hilda shrugged and followed her.

After a short while Evadne stopped. “Here should be fine.”

“Here?” said Hilda puzzled. “Where the new system is buried?”

Evadne gently tipped the tank and the punch flowed onto the grass.

“There,” she said, once all the punch was gone. She looked up at Hilda. “A libation for Cloacina in gratitude for our new septic tank.”

“Is that going to appease her or incur her wrath?” said Hilda.

Evadne narrowed her eyes.

“Yes, sorry,” said Hilda.

Evadne sighed and looked at the newly relaid turf.

“It’s been such a lot of worry but I can’t help wondering if it was all meant to be. We helped to save Ahler’s, we made a lot of new friends, we helped Solomon and Gilbert on with their careers and Roger and Dirk are happier too.”

Hilda smiled at Evadne. “And it was all because of our septic tank.” Her smile got wider. “You could almost say… we’re _flushed_ with success.”

Evadne looked at her.

Hilda smiled weakly. “You _could_ say that. But I’m not going to.”

She admired the lawn and then looked back at Evadne.

“It wasn’t all bad, was it? We had a lot of fun.”

She gestured back at the house.

“And it isn’t over yet.”

“No?” smiled Evadne.

“No.” Hilda smiled back at her. “Come on. Let’s get back inside before all the Lucozade goes!”

And they turned and went merrily back into their party.


End file.
